Just a glimpse of me...

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Do you ever feel STUCK? In 2000, I began looking for answers to some tough questions in my life. I'd searched high & low and finally conceded to search the promises found in the Bible. Those promises have sustained & guided me through the loss of a parent, the struggle with anxiety & depression, the loss of a valued relationship and so much more! I've found joy amid the pain. And, I want to share it with you!
Showing posts with label peace. Show all posts
Showing posts with label peace. Show all posts

15 November 2017

Transitions

Tonight, I sat on the floor beside an 8-month old pet chicken that I'd raised from when she was 2 days old... and I saw her take her final breaths. She was a gift for our 4 year old granddaughter last Easter. BUT, I had done the hard work to get that chicken to a healthy 8-month old pullet. She'd recently begun laying tiny little white eggs. She was our only "girl" to lay white ones. 

Last spring, I held one of our hens in my arms as she took some of her final breaths. It was late at night. I fed her water from a medicine dropper. I put soft food by her beak while she licked it. She didn't make it through the night. She'd been my little buddy - who would always come to check in with me every hour or so while they were out free-ranging. I sobbed when she was gone.

A little over 15 years ago, I sat beside my father, kissed him on the forehead and whispered some words of comfort and promise. I held his hand as I listened to him exhale that last breath of air. In that moment, I was absolutely broken yet, at the same time absolutely certain that he was in a better place. I had watched his body be ravaged by cancer for the past 7+ months. I had accompanied him & my mother on multiple medical visits. I'd sat by him in a critical care room one night when we were certain the end was moments away.

How can I possibly write about the death of two pets and my own father in the same post? It seems ridiculous... disrespectful... bizarre.

But, tonight as I watched the life ebb away from my pullet, "Maggie", I thought of the peace that prevailed as my own father left this earthly life. And, I thought about how precious life is -- even for animals.

When my father passed, I could do nothing to prevent what happened. I went into those last moments believing & knowing in my heart of hearts that God could have healed & restored his body in the blink of an eye. I knew that either his healing here on earth or his healing by passing into heaven would be quite a transition from where he was in those final moments. All I wanted to do was bring peace to the moment... the moment of transition.


And, tonight I was reminded once again that life is full of transitions. We transition from being young to being old. We transition from being child to parent. We transition from able-bodied to broken. We transition from being children to being adults. Some transition from being rich to being poor (and vice versa). Some transition from being single to be being married... to being single. My mother transitioned from being a secure, nurtured wife to being an unsure & somewhat scared widow -- as my father breathed his last breath.

Life is anything but stationary. It's full of transitions. Some seem happy. Others seem sad. May we walk with those around us... and help to make some of those transitions more peaceful.




21 October 2015

sunrise thoughts 21 October 2015

Killer sunrise this morning in the land of "stuckinindiana" and I'm snapping away when I get that dreaded notice... MEMORY CARD FULL.

Seriously?!?!? This is not good timing!

05 October 2014

A Chapter Closed Today - Paradise by the Sea

Some chapters close in our lives with a wonderful party of celebration... and then there are others...

For almost 13 years, we lived next door to a married couple who owned a condo right by an open beach area on the east coast of Florida. Since the family we'd left (when we first became stuckinindiana) still resided in south Florida, our neighbor's condo became our favorite place to stop when driving into the state. Year after year, we offered them money for the use of their home. But, they would only accept a small gift of appreciation or our verbal thanks.

Oh the memories we had in that place.

07 April 2014

PAIRINGS - Peace, a deliberate adjustment

How does one find peace? How can we live in peace?

"Peace is the deliberate adjustment of my life to the will of God."
~ Author Unknown


And how do we KNOW what the will of God is?
"Dear friends, you always followed my instructions when I was with you. And now that I am away, it is even more important. Work hard to show the results of your salvation, obeying God with deep reverence and fear. For God is working in you, giving you the desire and the power to do what pleases him." Philippians 2:12-13
I'm looking for PEACE today... I need to TRUST & OBEY!

Used in:

05 March 2014

My Perfectly Formed Arms - #JoyDare No. 2363

One of the hardest things to do is to put a baby in a crib once you've rocked them to sleep! And, isn't it awesome how they always fit perfectly in your arms -- from the day they were born to the days they begin toddling all over your house and beyond :) It's almost like God made our arms specifically for holding & hugging!

It's 12:09pm and, I'm unable to move. I'm rocking a sleeping baby. I haven't dressed yet. My hair hasn't been brushed and make-up isn't on. The bed's unmade & the kitchen still needs to be cleaned up. A load of wet laundry waits to be put in the dryer. Confetti litters the great room floor from the surprise gifts which were received & unwrapped gleefully yesterday by this little sleeping angel & her mommy. There are numerous items on the To Do List which can only be accomplished in the time she sleeps. But, I am unable to move... just now. I'm breathing in this moment & thanking God with a full heart. 

I'm holding this sleeping child & recording the many thoughts that are pouring out of me in these moments. I'm "typing" as fast as I can on an open page of this blog application on my smart phone. Note: Typing here means using my right thumb only!! Playing softly today in the background is Chris Botti's CD "Italia". The song right now -- "Ave Maria" -- no words, just the music. The books we read minutes ago are laid beside us on the floor. The drapes have been drawn to darken the room so that she can sleep more easily. And, in this moment, all is well. 

I hear her soft breathing and match mine with hers - long, deep, peaceful breaths. The hand-me-down gliding rocker (which matches not ONE thing in my house) has begun to creak loudly indicating that it's time to shift my weight or jiggle around so the squeaking doesn't get any louder. With one fist, she's clutching a blanket given to her by one of my dear, dear friends. Today, as she was nearing sleep, she tucked her other little chubby hand inside the neck of my fleece robe. I take joy in the feel of her soft fingers now warm against my skin. What a blessing to have her reach up & stroke my face with her velvet palm as she draws near sleep or to have her tuck a hand inside my collar to touch my skin. 

This baby sleeps in peace now - without a care in the world. She's loved. She's cared for. She's protected. All is well!

But, what can I do to shield her from pain, suffering, injustice & evil which is a part of our life here? She'll likely grow to be a normal young woman - struggling with peer pressure & self-image. Despite our many efforts to teach her that her value & worth are based completely upon the fact that she's a creation of God... she'll question. She'll likely be uncertain in times but still determined to show her independence and right to make her own choices. She'll likely experience loss and heartache in her life. What can I do to keep her from these things? I can do no more than I did with her Mommy and her uncle - whom I rocked to sleep all those years ago. And, I pray over her as I did over them when they were babes. 

So, for this moment today... I'll just stay here and rock this child... I'll put off the To Do List a little longer... I'll whisper prayers over her as she sleeps... I'll gently stroke her face as she rustles... I'll ask God that she will see Him & His perfect love in me! 

And I'll thank God for how perfectly He formed my arms... all of our arms... to love!

David said it best in the 139th Psalm:



You go before me and follow me.
You place your hand of blessing on my head. (vs. 5)

Such knowledge is too wonderful for me,
too great for me to understand! (vs. 6)

You made all the delicate, inner parts of my body

and knit me together in my mother’s womb. (vs 13) 



Thank you for making me so wonderfully complex!

Your workmanship is marvelous—how well I know it. (vs. 14)


How precious are your thoughts about me, O God.
They cannot be numbered! (vs. 17)


I can’t even count them;
they outnumber the grains of sand!

And when I wake up,

you are still with me! (vs. 18)


NOTE: Due to a small book club group for women started in 2012 by a friend at my church, I actually picked up & read Ann Voskamp's book, One Thousand Gifts, in early 2012. I began listing gifts then & am planning to continue for years to come. It's a WONDERFUL way to remind myself of God's tender loving care for & faithfulness to me -- and to all his children! I've always been one to get super excited about the little things from God - seeing a mother deer & her fawns while out walking early in the morning, the way the clouds look on a cold -- but sunny -- winter day, the lighting or angle I was able to catch in a photo, the quiet snoring/breathing of the LOML as he sleeps beside me, new fuzzy socks or slippers, an apple right off my tree, etc. Often times my descriptions make no sense to anyone by me & God. So, I decided to expand upon those thoughts in a few posts. So... for today... 

#JoyDare No. 2363. my perfectly formed arms



Linking with Ann Voskamp - A Holy Experience today... 

06 February 2014

No Presence... Only Prayers

I'm feeling a bit lost today -- without words -- with no way to support some dear loved ones with my presence... only with my prayers. Today will be a day of relying on many promises which I believe to be true. Today will be a day of reflection, a day of tears, a day of trusting the One who makes this life worth it - worth living. When I'm feeling lost or numb, I take comfort in jotting down some of my thoughts.
 
Today a young man's body will be laid to rest.

25 January 2014

An Instrument of Peace

While wearing one of my volunteer hats - communications for MPC Worship Arts ministry, I was preparing to send out a note about our weekend services. It includes the sermon title & text, related scriptures and more. I like to provide video links to the songs we'll be singing so others can listen to & learn songs that will be used in our worship times. (I've cut & pasted in some of the songs we'll be singing this Sunday at the bottom of the page.)

The last section of the note is always entitled "My Thoughts Today" and covers what I feel the Lord has said to me that day as I worked on the note. Some times the words come to my mind faster than I can type them. Other times, it's a bit of a struggle to know that I am writing what God needs me to write at that moment. This week I added a PERSONAL PS...
I'm thanking God today for the changes that have happened in the past year as this new ONE YEAR OLD (who celebrated her first birthday on 1/16/14) has set about a new outlook in many lives. They say that a baby changes everything. This one certainly has helped with so many of the challenges & choices of the past. She is making the future brighter for many. 
THANK YOU FOR YOUR PRAYERS DEAR FRIENDS. We continue to claim God's hand in all of this :) My prayer... LORD, make me an instrument of Your peace - a reflection of Thy love!
As those thoughts came to me, I felt the nudge to share the Peace Prayer of St. Francis of Assisi and a link to the song taken from that prayer. Enjoy both of the following:

Peace Prayer of St. Francis of Assisi 
Lord, make me an instrument of your peace, Where there is hatred, let me sow love; where there is injury, pardon; where there is doubt, faith; where there is despair, hope; where there is darkness, light; where there is sadness, joy. 
O Divine Master, grant that I may not so much seek to be consoled as to console; to be understood as to understand; to be loved as to love.
For it is in giving that we receive; it is in pardoning that we are pardoned; and it is in dying that we are born to eternal life. 
Instrument of Peace - sung by the Canadian Tenors



I am moved by music & words of deep truth. I love sharing both. I'm grateful that our church has a blend of the old & new songs at most gatherings. Here are a few songs that we will lift up this Sunday at Madison Park ChoG: 
What songs & writings stir your heart? I'd love to know :) 

Linking with Ann Voskamp - A Holy Experience today...

25 March 2013

Resting in the Arms...

Ayla fell asleep in my arms this morning...



... as the fire glowed & gently crackled a few feet away. 

Her entire body relaxed as her little arms stretched out. Her breathing became deep & regular. All expression of emotion melted from her face and, I felt the weight of her tiny head, cradled in my hand, as she slipped into peaceful rest. An inquisitive cat watched from the back of my wing-back chair purring loudly. I drank in the moment & tucked it in my heart for forever. 


It reminded me of how I can always find sweet peace, rest & safety in the arms of God.


Seems like all I could see was the struggle
Haunted by ghosts that lived in my past
Bound up in shackles of all my failures
Wondering how long is this gonna last

Then you look at this prisoner & say to me son,"stop fighting a fight that's already been won."



He's not done with us yet... rest in HIS arms!

08 March 2013

Beginnings... Peaceful Rest

I sent a note to a friend today & said "I'd rather be writing..."  

What is it about putting my heart on paper that brings me such joy?

However, truth be told, I have a LOT of things which need to be accomplished today. If those tasks are completed, there won't be any leftover time for writing.

So, here's the BEGINNINGS of the post on my heart now...
Ayla fell asleep in my arms this morning...



... as the fire glowed & gently crackled a few feet away. Her entire body relaxed as her little arms stretched out. Her breathing became deep & regular. All expression of emotion melted from her face. I felt the weight of her tiny head, cradled in my hand, as she slipped into peaceful rest. An inquisitive cat watched from the back of my wing-back chair purring loudly. I drank in the moment & tucked it in my heart for forever. 

Hopefully I will be able to finish my post soon.  Look for it if you are interested in peaceful rest :)

Blessings my friends!
stuckinindiana

15 February 2013

12:06am

Just like last night, the day has come and gone... and I am awake. Just like last night, I'm worn out from the day but, yet wide awake. Just like last night, I am comforted by the sound of the LOML's breathing as he deeply sleeps.

But, tonight is different...

Tonight I hold a sleeping 4- week old little girl who is doing her own version of snoring. Tonight, a once estranged child lies beside me on the other couch -- sleeping more peacefully, I suspect, than she's slept in weeks. There won't be drama in the morning... just coffee made by her daddy & farm-fresh eggs scrambled by her mom... and jammie-time in front of the fire while fashion trends & gardening techniques are discussed on TV.

Tonight, I watch the glow of the embers of a fire & hear the sounds of a late night show in the background. A small light barely illuminates the room... the small lamp that we received nearly 25 years ago as a wedding gift.

And, how long will this moment of Peace on Earth last? Moments of sheer peace are hard to find in the hustle & bustle of this world. They are moments to be cherished... moments that stop the hands of time... moments that are treasured forever.

This moment rests in the hands of God. He knows how much the mom needs her rest. He knows the love of the father & grandfather to be willing to sleep upright in a chair to be close to "his girls". He knows the fulfillment of the mother & grandmother's heart to allow her joy to flow onto the written page and to hold this precious sleeping baby.

Joy comes in the moments. And, joy in the moments stays with us... for eternity.

HIS WORDS:

  • "For his anger lasts only a moment, but his favor lasts a lifetime! Weeping may last through the night, but joy comes with the morning." Psalm 30:5
  • "The joy of the LORD is my strength." Nehemiah 8:10b
  • "In the multitude of my anxieties within me, Your comforts delight my soul." Psalm 94:19






09 November 2012

The Rolling Sea

above from the
Warner Sallman Collection

Over the sea, 
Over the sea, 
Jesus Savior, Pilot me. 

Over the sea, 
Over the sea, 
Over the jasper* sea.

Over & over comes the mighty sea,
Like the love of Jesus pouring over me.



Has anyone EVERY heard that chorus?  That was one of the choruses my father loved & sang with me at bedtime when I was little. Dad was born in the late 20's & brought up by a God-fearing (aka GOD LOVING) family.  They were very active in their church in Middletown, Ohio. He went on to being an accredited minister in the Church of God.  Back in that day, the churches were rather small & pastors often wore many hats.  Most of the years growing up, I remember my parents heading up the Youth Group, as well. I remember them leading the youth in that chorus.

The song came to my mind the other night as I was pondering the future.  (I confess, it's really NOT my job to ponder the future - but, to hand it over to God & get some sleep!) However, much of my time lately has been spent on thoughts & actions based upon changes which are happening in my world & in the worlds of those I love. 

When life is changing so rapidly & we are reminded that we are NOT in control (as we often desire to be), we can find peace & stability in God. 

  • He is the anchor of our soul - Hebrews 6:19  
  • He is the tower we run to in times of need - Isaiah 25:4 & Proverbs 18:10   
  • When life crashes us down like the rolling sea, He exchanges it with rolling waves of His love & peace - Isaiah 48:18  
  • He is the constant source of rest, renewal & strength. He is our cornerstone - upon whom we lean... upon whom we build our tomorrows - 1 Peter 2:6 
  • He is stronger than any storm - Mark 4:39-41 

No matter how life rages around me, I find peace in the arms of my Savior. His grace is sufficient! He meets all my needs!


Seek Him today for whatever you need. He is able to meet your needs!

His Words:

  • "This hope is a strong and trustworthy anchor for our souls. It leads us through the curtain into God's inner sanctuary."  Hebrews 6:19 
  • "But you are a tower of refuge to the poor, O LORD, a tower of refuge to the needy in distress. You are a refuge from the storm and a shelter from the heat. For the oppressive acts of ruthless people are like a storm beating against a wall." Isaiah 25:4
  • The name of the LORD is a strong tower; The righteous run to it and are safe. Proverbs 18:10 
  • "As the Scriptures say, 'I am placing a cornerstone in Jerusalem, chosen for great honor, and anyone who trusts in him will never be disgraced.'" 1 Peter 2:6 
  • "Oh, that you had listened to my commands! Then you would have had peace flowing like a gentle river and righteousness rolling over you like waves in the sea." Isaiah 48:18
  • "When Jesus woke up, he rebuked the wind and said to the waves, 'Silence! Be still!' Suddenly the wind stopped, and there was a great calm. Then he asked them, 'Why are you afraid? Do you still have no faith?' The disciples were absolutely terrified. 'Who is this man?' they asked each other. 'Even the wind and waves obey him!'" Mark 4:39-41 


* NOTE:  I found that the word "boundless" was used in one version & the word "stormy" was used in another. My dad sang JASPER though - which happened to be his older brother's name. Jasper means green... so, it works just fine for me :)


Shared with the Ann Voskamp 1000 Gifts Community

18 October 2012

Crazy Colors! - 31 DAYS OF CRAZY - 18 October 2012

‎"Who can hold an autumn leaf in their hand,
or sift the warm white sand on the beach,
and not wonder at the Creator of it all?"
 ~ Wendy Moore

I've resisted writing this post for DAYS now... seeing that each day seems to out do the previous.  The colors of autumn have overtaken my country setting - amid the corn fields, the horse pastures, the pig pens & chicken coops.  Each day the crops which are awaiting harvest take on a new shade or hue. The fields which have already been harvested are changing too - with the preparation for next year - tilling, fertilizing, etc.  From early morning 'til the end of the day, the changing light brings new colors & nuances to each tree, flower, field, and more.


Can something this amazing, this breathtaking, this awe-inspiring... be by chance?  If this is just what happens as the globe turns and seasons come & go, why does it inspire such wonder in our hearts & minds.  Why are we captivated by this time of year & these colors in nature that we have seen year after year... and that we will see for years to come?  Why does the sound of the ocean or the view of a rainbow move us?

There's a scripture in the Old Testament that speaks to me about these things. It's from the book of Ecclesiastes... ".. God has made everything beautiful for its own time. He has planted eternity in the human heart ..."  Ecclesiastes 3:11  I believe there's a resonance in our hearts with the earthly things which some consider to be mundane. It's a taste of heaven. And, it's a JOY that can't really be explained.

So, when I look around & the simple things of nature or of my day bring me incredible JOY & a peace, I feel a connection with eternity.  And, I thank God once again for the relationship I have with Him & the love He has for every single human soul on this earth & the relationship He awaits with each of them. 


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17 October 2012

Crazy Calm! - 31 DAYS OF CRAZY - 17 October 2012

Right now, as night draws near, we are experiencing a calm after the storm -- actually we're hoping it's that & not the calm between the storms.  

And the animals next door aren't running for the barn.  So, I think we're good for now :)

The change of the seasons in Indiana (where I am JOYfully STUCK) often brings unpredictable weather. 


And, today after getting a text from my neighbor, I laced up my shoes & ran out the door. We looked at the clouds in the southwest & kidded about the time her 16 year old had to drive out to pick us up when the skies opened.  We fiercely headed out!  On 100 North, we took the turn north & looked over our shoulders. Pretty crazy skies over there! We fought our better senses & kept going for about another half mile. Then I began feeling a few raindrops.  We turned around & "high-tailed" it back.  Thankfully I made it onto my front porch as the sky opened.   

When it comes to walking in storms, I'm okay with it -- as long as lightning isn't involved.  There's something about the wind & clouds.  Energy wells up in me.  And, there's something about the calm after the storm.  The calm brings sweet peace.  Neither can last forever.  Each have benefits.  Kind of like life!  

As for this moment, I am enjoying the calm :) 


His Words: 
(got this idea from Chase Tibbs' blog)
  • "Then he asked them, "Where is your faith?" The disciples were terrified and amazed. "Who is this man?" they asked each other. "When he gives a command, even the wind and waves obey him!" Luke 8:25 NLT
  • "When he speaks in the thunder, the heavens are filled with water. He causes the clouds to rise over the earth. He sends the lightning with the rain and releases the wind from his storehouses." Jeremiah 51:16 NLT
  • "And now may God, who gives us his peace, be with you all. Amen." Romans 15:33 NLT

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  Shared with the Ann Voskamp 1000 Gifts Community on 10-29-12

02 October 2012

Serenity Now!

I love my husband (aka the LOML) and my son.  However, they have a few cherished TV shows that are not exactly my favorites.  One of those shows is the Jerry Seinfeld Show.  

For years I had to hear my husband joking scream "Serenity Now!" when things were getting hectic.  The summer after our son's senior year in high school, the LOML introduced our sweet, Seinfeld innocent son to those wacky shows.  And since then, there have been two "men" around the house cracking Seinfeld jokes and shouting the occasional "Serenity Now!"

The other day I stumbled upon a great website with my kind of Serenity Now... 

 

Go there!!
And, I discovered that they have a section called Serenity Shots. I absolutely LOVE taking photos, looking at them & sharing them! I entered a picture that I used in a blog post titled, I'm a Mom, Life Could Not Be Better. 

Imagine my joy when I received notification this morning that this photo had been selected.  
Watching my daughter paint as she uses her God-given talent :)
Serenity & thanksgiving!!

A mom's heart smiles!!  Thanks SerenityMama.com :)

03 April 2012

My Time in the Garden

MY TIME IN THE GARDEN

One Good Friday, I was asked to help greet people at Madison Park Church's Journey to the Cross. Initially I was assigned to greet people as they arrived at the church. That assignment totally put me in a panic. As outgoing as might I seem to so many people, I totally freeze up inside with I am with a huge group of people. My face is a HUGE smile while inside I'm gasping for breath. Thankfully I was reassigned... to the "garden room". Yep, that's right, I was given the assignment to spend 3+ hours in the Garden of Gethsemane quietly greeting people at the door, giving them a booklet & a brief explanation of the experience, and then quietly talking with God until they completed their "garden experience", returned their booklets & exited the room.

Considering what my life has been like in the past 16-18 months, I could NOT have been assigned a more perfect spot. The peaceful setting of that room was like a healing ointment to my soul. In that quiet setting, I was able to reflect upon the anguish Christ had endured in his last days. And, I was reminded that nothing I ever experience will reach that level of anguish. My pain & suffering pales in comparison to what He experienced. Jesus was at the garden with some of his dearest friends who were doing their very best to support him in his time of need. Even with their presence there, Jesus had to surrender himself God's plan. A few times he had to wake his friends to ask for prayer. As said in Matthew 26:39, "He went a little farther and fell on His face, and prayed, saying, 'O My Father, if it is possible, let this cup pass from Me; nevertheless, not as I will, but as You will.'" He sought the prayers of his friends once again and "... a second time, He went away and prayed, saying, 'O My Father, if this cup cannot pass away from Me unless I drink it, Your will be done." He woke his friends & sought their prayers again, walking away a third time to pray the same things again. Jesus, acknowledged and accepted his role in God's plan. His pain & suffering was not over but, his acceptance of the part he must play in God's plan must have brought that peace from God that passes all understanding.

What a peace I experienced that night in the Garden. What peace the Father has washed over me in the past days, weeks & months. What peace I have in knowing that God has placed some incredible Christian friends & prayer partners alongside. I'm so thankful that I understand that none of us can fully understand or experience the Easter morning "high" without the garden experiences.

23 February 2012

I'm Going to Die Before I'm 35

Run to Him & know when you're
hiding from Him, He'll always
seek after you!
I'm going to die before I'm 35... I'm quite certain of it. I knew this from about the age of 12. Back in the days when I was gangly (not just skinny) -- resembling a rather unattractive 7 year old the height of a full grown adult! I always felt "a little less" than others around me. And, the ever-present silent thoughts occupied my mind: "You will only have to take this for less than 35 years. That's not TOO long. You can make it."

I took comfort in those thoughts wrapping them around me to insulate me from feeling, connection, pain, relationship.... life!

During my teens & early 20's I was in a constant battle with my thoughts, perceptions, self-image, etc. There were really only moments of rest from the thoughts that plagued my mind - those that brought me to the depths of despair one day & into a numbing sense of dullness on others. Thoughts that haunted me in the cold, dark hours of the night. Thoughts that whispered to me "No one will like you when they get to know you." I understood I'd never be loved by anyone who didn't HAVE to love me -- after all, I was ME! Thoughts and talk of suicide were probably a daily occurrence for more years than I want to remember. And the one thing that kept me from going through with it was that I felt I'd go to hell & then it would NEVER end, not even at 35! I would be in anguish forever!!

The dawn of my awakening came at the end of my sophomore year at Anderson University It occurred to me that quite a few of the people who "liked me" at the beginning of my freshman year still seemed to "like me" then. Imagine that?!? It was then I began to recognize some of the brokenness, in the lives of those around me & in some things that had happened to me as a child, as contributors to my initial feelings of unworthiness. So, I spent the next 5-6 years being incredibly angry with those people & the injustices I'd suffered. All the time I was taking comfort inside knowing that the hurt would all be over in a matter of years.


In my late-20's I coincidentally met & became friends with a Christian counselor, psychologist & author -- a pretty "cool" person, I thought. Over the course of a year, I began to see that although people & circumstances had affected my development, I had a choice to break free from those bonds. I'd been a Christian from an early age. I'd strayed away... and come back... and strayed away... and come back. But, I'd never actually believed that God could mend my brokenness from all those years ago. Putting the past behind me was scary. I was entering the unknown. And, we all know, there's no control in the unknown.

In the coming years, I thought less about what I knew: I was going to die before I turned 35. As I drew closer to the age of 35, the thought no longer brought comfort. I wondered, how will my passing affect my husband... my daughter... my son?  What brought me peace through the struggles of my youth & young adulthood now brought me a sense of sadness. 

Well, the 35th birthday has come & gone. I'm still here. I still have moments when I'm transported back to the gangly 12 year old girl who wasn't asked to the popular girl's slumber party... the 14 year old who locked herself in the bathroom threatening her parents that she'd end it all.. the 16 year old who was asked when she was going to start looking like a girl by the popular boy in the youth group. But, in those moments of remembering, I am reminded that there was plan in process for my life. A plan that was leading to a future & a hope.


"For I know the plans I have for you," says the LORD.
"They are plans for good and not for disaster,
to give you a future and a hope."

I don't question the thoughts that played out in my mind all those years. I believe that God allowed me to find peace of mind in the only way I could experience it in those darkest of days. And in those dark days, He was doing a work in me to bring me closer to wholeness. There are still times when I struggle with depression - especially in the cold, bleak winter months. And, there've been several times in my life when peace came in the storm with some feeling of knowing the outcome. Quite often the storm passed and, the outcome of which I was certain never happened.

photo by T. Getz
I'm willing to allow Him to write my story - any way He chooses to write it. There will be more storms ahead to face. But, I take comfort knowing that I have a future and a hope.


13 January 2012

All I Really Need Today...

I don't want to get dressed & go anywhere today. It looks like a snow globe out of my window! I want to stay inside all by myself. I want to settle down with a nice cup of hot cocoa & listen to music or watch a mindless romantic comedy by a roaring fireplace. And, I don't really feel like making dinner for anyone (including me!).

Sometimes the simple things feel like all we really need on a given day. Other days, the simple things don't feel like enough!

 
My proclamation for today & for every day is that... HE IS ALL I NEED! God said, "My gracious favor is all you need. My power works best in your weakness." Paul replied, "So now I am glad to boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may work through me." 2 Corinthians 12:19. I'm weak a lot -- especially in the winter months. I can take all the help I can get. Thanks God!

Paul also said in Philippians 4:19, "And this same God who takes care of me will supply all your needs from his glorious riches, which have been given to us in Christ Jesus."

Someone who can create a living snow globe outside of my window one day & paint a breath-taking sunset on another day, is there reminding me daily of all of his glorious riches & gifts to us. His glorious riches are abundant. All we need to do is open our eyes.

My words to God... "O Lord, let me echo YOUR Word in my heart. Let those words be played out in the story of my life!"

Some days I want to stay in but, I also know that I really need community. I know I need to be in communion with God & his bride (the church). Are you a part of a weekly worship gathering? I am. It's a commitment I've made regardless of how I actually "feel" on any given Sunday. I'm looking forward to this coming Sunday at Madison Park Church. 

What will God think? Will He find my worship sweet? As told in John 4:23-24, "if we worship Him in spirit & truth, we offer true worship - the kind for which He longs." And, I can tell you, in the winter months, if I'm going to be truthful with God, I'm going to have to admit to Him that I struggle with being out & about. But, my obedience is part of my worship. And, He always honors that.  

Worship is between YOU and God. No one can worship for you. No one else can show God what His worth to you is. But, we can't worship just on our own. God desires us to be in community... God has given us all we need and, often those needs are met through community with other children of God. 

But for the moment, I shall enjoy the quiet peaceful home... I shall sit by the fire... I shall trust in the protection of God's angels... I shall seek to know Him better in the quietness...

All of this... knowing that God will give me the nudge that I need on Sunday to meet in His house and on other days to do what He needs me to do out in His world.

And I will reflect, each day, upon the words of God shared by the Psalmist in Psalm 46:10, 
"Be still & know that I am God." 
In the winter months, I'm good at being still :)
 

(written 01/13/12)


Shared with the #1000Gifts Community with Ann Voskamp...