Broken Things -- All Around

I'm not even certain when it began. Perhaps the problem was visible all those years ago and we didn't notice. Or maybe we DID notice it... but, failed to give it the attention needed. That's the most likely scenario. How often in our lives do we miss the obvious? How often do we neglect something until it's beyond repair?

If I were to read the above words at the beginning of a post, my mind would immediately form these questions:

• Is this post about a failing relationship?
• I wonder what happened?
• I wonder how serious this is??
• What did they do?
• Regardless of the above... I'm sure this is NOT a mistake I've made or would ever make!

Waiting on the Porch

Time seemed to stand still. The days passed like weeks. The nights lingered and offered little rest. Each new morning brought more questions & uncertainty. Even so, in those times of darkness, he knew God was at work. Daily he found himself waiting on the porch, honestly crying out to God and waiting with expectation. He laid out his prayers before the Lord & waited with expectation for the answer to those prayers from the God he knew to be the One True God.

It felt like a life time. And, so often, it appeared to be hopeless. Yet, he waited & watched...

(free stock photo from rgbstock.com)

"And while he was still a long way off, his father saw him coming. Filled with love and compassion, he ran to his son, embraced him, and kissed him." Luke 15:20

All of us "churched folk" know the story - the parable told by Jesus of the prodigal son found in the 15th chapter of Luke, verses 11-32. A man had two sons whom he loved dearly. Both brought up in a loving, God-honoring home. Both taught about God of Abraham in word & in deed. And yet... one chose to take another path. 

Do you know someone who's waiting on the porch today? 

How about you? Have you ever been waiting...

• waiting for forgiveness - whether it be from others or yourself
• waiting for someone with whom to spend the rest of your days
• waiting for a relationship to mend
• waiting to find the perfect job or just any job
• waiting for healing to come
• waiting for a lost one to find their way home  

Life has a way of throwing obstacles in our way which we can allow to hinder us from choosing to experience the joy & peace that God offers each of us daily. We can experience this joy & peace daily -- even when we are waiting. I don't think that it's the waiting that bring turmoil. I think it's the waiting without expectation (hope) that breaks us down. 

I'm waiting on the porch today. I'm believing that God is at work & that my waiting is not in vain. I boldly echo the words of the Psalmist:

"Listen to my voice in the morning, Lord. Each morning I bring my requests to you and wait expectantly." Psalm 5:3

Are YOU waiting on the porch for something today?

Shared with the Ann Voskamp, Holy Experience, community 9/30/2013...

Resting in the Arms...

Ayla fell asleep in my arms this morning...

... as the fire glowed & gently crackled a few feet away. 

Her entire body relaxed as her little arms stretched out. Her breathing became deep & regular. All expression of emotion melted from her face and, I felt the weight of her tiny head, cradled in my hand, as she slipped into peaceful rest. An inquisitive cat watched from the back of my wing-back chair purring loudly. I drank in the moment & tucked it in my heart for forever. 


It reminded me of how I can always find sweet peace, rest & safety in the arms of God.

Seems like all I could see was the struggle

Haunted by ghosts that lived in my past

Bound up in shackles of all my failures

Wondering how long is this gonna last

Then you look at this prisoner & say to me son,"stop fighting a fight that's already been won."

He's not done with us yet... rest in HIS arms!

Violated Traditions

What makes you feel safe? What brings you comfort? What makes you feel in control? What makes you feel "at home"? For me, I've found comfort often in traditions. And, for me, those traditions are usually pretty relaxed. For instance...

• I like to celebrate Easter -- but, it has nothing to do with a specific food or meal
• I like to celebrate Thanksgiving -- but it's fine to do it at a restaurant every once in awhile
• I like to celebrate Christmas -- but, I don't have to open presents at a certain time for it to still feel like Christmas to me

Memorial Day reminds me of picnics. The Fourth of July reminds me of fireworks - although I still am not fond of the loud BOOM! Father's Day reminds me of buying ties or serving Dad a special breakfast in bed. Mother's Day memories are of planting a seed in a styro-foam cup in April & giving it to Mom just as it was beginning to grow.

What about those "sacred" days that no longer fill us with joy? And, what about when the traditions have been shattered by the death of a loved one or the death of a marriage?

• The Father's Day for those who may have suffered at the hand of a broken father?
• The Mother's Day for those whose mom recently passed or who've been unsuccessful for so many years at becoming a mother? 
• The traditional summer vacation with the friends who were like family but are no longer together & starting their own traditions.

We are all broken...
God makes us whole!

How can we celebrate holidays & continue traditions when life has crashed down upon them... when the memory or someone or something fills us with sadness or pain?

I don't have all the answers to those questions for anyone other than myself. And, for me, over the years, the answers have evolved as I have walked through different seasons in my own life. There's a verse in the Bible says that to "work out your own salvation". I've come to believe that we find the place of celebration or observance of traditions & holidays on our knees, in the presence of the Lord. 

Linking with Ann Voskamp - A Holy Experience today...

Radical Lifestyle

I've been thinking about my life a lot lately. How will things play out? I can make all the right choices and stay away from all the bad places. But, there are so many horrible things which happen in the world -- things over which we have no control. I'm reminded daily of that.

Just last evening a sweet woman, only 46 years old, was shot & killed in her own home. Left to grieve & cry out "Why?" are 4 children (ages 10-21). Days before opening presents already wrapped & under the tree, a life is stolen from those children.

This world is broken.
Only God can make it whole!

Last week innocent children were gunned down, as adults sacrificed their own lives to stand in harms way. What kind of a monster can do such a thing to innocent babes? When did our world lose its reverence for life? Are there any guarantees?

Someday my loved ones will sit with a pastor or funeral director and attempt to sum up my life. Will it have ended peacefully or as a result of a horrible tragedy? There's really no way to know. Of one thing I am certain. I want to be remembered for my radical lifestyle. 

I want anyone who comes in contact with me to see that I'm a radical in my beliefs & in my choices & in my actions. And, by radical, I mean radical to this world's thinking - like a breath of fresh air!

In Romans 2, we are told of the type of change God makes in our lives. It's not meant to be subtle. It's meant to stand out... to require hard work & effort... to be seen as different. I love the way it says in The Message:

"God is kind, but he's not soft.

In kindness he takes us firmly by the hand

and leads us into a radical life-change."

Romans 2:3 The Message

I've chosen the path I want to follow. I have studied His Word and know what being His follower. Taking the road less traveled - with The Lord. Isn't easy but, now that I know it, I want to walk that way.

"God overlooks it (sin) as long as you don't know any better

—but that time is past.

The unknown is now known, and

he's calling for a radical life-change." 

Acts 17:30

I don't know about tomorrow. But, I know how I want to be remembered when I am no longer here. I want to be remembered as a loving person who lived her life in a radical way which made the world a better place & made people want to "live like that."

Crazy Undone Dreams!

Stained glass window
Basilica of the Annunciation
Nazareth, Israel

I've always been somewhat of a dreamer.  I remember dreams from when I was as young as 4.  One, in particular, stayed with me in life for close to 40 years until I understood the significance of it.  I dreamed of living at the Biltmore Estate - having visited there numerous times as a child.  I dreamed of having my OWN pony who would carry me to school & back each day.  I dreamed that I lived on the side of a beautiful mountain, facing the east & bordered by a cliff with a path leading down to the sea.

My self image as a child, adolescent & young adult was never that great.  And so... I often lost myself in dreams of a better day or a better me. I've conquered that demon at this point in my life, for the most part.  Yet, I still have a peaceful place which I think about if I'm having trouble falling asleep at night. 

But, as we all know, dreams are dreams... and not real life.  How do we cope with dreams that are undone... undone as in not happened yet or undone as in shattered?  Not only do we have dreams for ourselves.  But, we have them for those we love.  I don't know a parent who doesn't want their child to succeed & feel as though they have succeeded at what they pursue.  I dreamed that my father would be at the high school graduations of both our children.  My father went to be with the Lord when our children were ages 11 & 13.  And, there are currently dreams of which I am painfully aware will not happen.

Beauty
from
brokenness!

Even if the healing doesn't come and life falls apart and dreams are still undone... What do YOU do when your dreams are broken?  What do you do when the choices of another prevent them from attaining their dreams?  

The things I've been facing lately drew me to the song "Even If" by Kutless. The words are straight from my heart - but, written by another.  For me, even when dreams are still undone, I continue to believe in a good future! 

REMEMBER: The most beautiful stained glass windows are created from broken shards of glass.

When my dreams are undone, I find hope in the promises I claim from the Bible. Tell me about how YOU cope when dreams are undone!

Take a listen. The lyrics are at the bottom of the page*.

His Words: 

(got this idea from Chase Tibbs' blog; using it because i love the words of God)

• For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, says the LORD, thoughts of peace and not of evil, to give you a future and a hope. Jeremiah 29:11 
• "Until the time came to fulfill his dreams, the LORD tested Joseph's character."  Psalm 105:19 NLT
• "He heals the brokenhearted And binds up their wounds." Psalm 147:3

Linking with Ann Voskamp - A Holy Experience today... 

Related Posts:

Dream On...

When Dreams Die 

When Your Story is Not Your Own

Hope, Mirror, Mirror On the Wall 

Do You Like Your Life Ruthann? 

*"Even If"
written by Scott Krippayne performed by Kutless on their Believer album

Sometimes all we have to hold on to
Is what we know is true of who You are
So when the heartache hits like a hurricane
That could never change who You are
And we trust in who You are

Even if the healing doesn't come
And life falls apart
And dreams are still undone
You are God You are good
Forever faithful One
Even if the healing
Even if the healing doesn't come

Lord we know Your ways are not our ways
So we set our faith in who You are
Even though You reign high above us
You tenderly love us
We know Your heart
And we rest in who You are

You're still the Great and Mighty One
We trust You always
You're working all things for our good
We'll sing your praise

You are God and we will bless You
As the Good and Faithful One
You are God and we will bless You
Even if the healing doesn't come
Even if the healing doesn't come

Conserving Energy

I'm conserving energy. Why? Because it seems to be in limited supply in my life lately. Is it really or are certain things stealing my energy? Do I begin each day with plenty of energy & squander it on non-worthy things (fretting, planning, speculating, etc.)?

Has anyone seen my energy?

The inability to "act" - my plague. The need of super energy for what the rest of the world does effortlessly - yep, that's me. Day after day after day of heartbreak & disappointment with not much of a hint for a better day in sight - BINGO! And yet, I faithfully list my "Joy Dares" daily & hold tightly to the memory of those moments of joy -- finding that they hold me up in the lowest of times & bring light into my darkness.

They say that hindsight is 20/20. But, I don't want to go much further in this unfocused frightening haze. The time traveling in the darkness of this fallen world has worn on me. Yet, this groping around in the dark has definitely heightened my sense of the presence of any light.

Where would I be without the mysteries of God... the peace that passes all understanding... the hope found in hopeless situations... His new mercies with the coming of each new day... the willing acceptance of whatever will come - no matter what!

I completely believe that God will give me the desires of my heart. But, in this time of trials, when in His presence, all I really KNOW is that I want Him to be glorified. Oh, don't get me wrong... I plead with Him for this to happen... and for that not to happen. I ask specifically for so many things & ask for them in the Name of Jesus. And, yet, before I can get to "Amen," I fall into His arms & surrender my will to His.

The Bible promises we will have the strength we need for each new day & that life won't dish out more than we can handle.

Apparently, the plan means I'm to be zapped of energy before 6pm & I can handle a lot!

Shared with the Ann Voskamp One Thousand Gifts community on 9/24/12

My Darkest Days

My darkest days were those when I hid behind my shame.

I fled from community & into the arms of solitude.

I reasoned that I was alone in my struggle... that it was a struggle of the unworthy, of the weak, of the lost.

In those darkest of days I sought to be healed but, refused any human help!

I believed in God's power of healing but... I would only accept His complete healing... on my own terms.

He would have to heal me quietly -- without the knowledge or involvement of others.

They say that when something hurts you enough... that then, and only then, will you truly change.

When the struggle's worn you down for countless hours, weeks, months, years... how can strength to begin such a change be found? And, what's the source of that kind of strength?

The strongest chord of a strand is the deepest one. When all the others unravel, the strongest remains. The chord that ties us to the eternal. The chord that binds us to the source of of all strength.

Light began to dawn the moment I stepped out from behind my shame & said,

• "God, I will accept Your healing on Your terms."

• "I will allow others to see my wounds."

• "I will no longer define what is unworthy, weak, lost..."

• "I will trust in the chord at the center of my being that can never be severed by this world or the powers below."

I cling tenaciously and with complete hope & acceptance of this promise...

"And I am certain that God, who began the good work within you, will continue his work until it is finally finished on the day when Christ Jesus returns." 

Philippians 1:6

Broken People

Life is messy. Bad things happen. People get broken. But, what happens next?

Some people mend. Some people don't.

Often scars knit together the broken parts and the journey to wholeness begins. Struggles can make us stronger - similar to the strengthening of wings for flight which happens as a butterfly fights it's way out of the cocoon.

I Really Thought I'd OUT GROW Crazy!

Who me...

* When I was 10 and felt really ugly, skinny, out of place... 
* When I was 13 and wondered whether I'd ever look older than 10... 
* When I was 15 threatening suicide & lying on the bathroom floor behind a locked door being taken off the hinges by my loving, frightened father... 
* When I was ALL THAT... I knew I was "crazy."  

But, I really thought I'd out grow crazy!

Unfortunate situations & circumstances in my childhood contributed to the beginning of my "crazy journey".  My search for independence & persistence at making own my choices as a youth deepened the "crazy the journey".  As a young adult - a young wife, a young mother - the stigma of being labeled as depressed or crazy prevented me from talking with others and seeking help.

Finally after years of consistently answering yes to 7-9 of the 10 "You Might Be Depressed If..." questions on television, I got the nerve to mention it at an annual health exam with my health professional.  Although she had been asking the right questions year after year, I had to reach the point where I was willing to honestly answer the questions.  I remember telling her, "Okay, I'm crazy! Pretty sure I've been crazy most of my life!"

I realize that the word CRAZY isn't very politically correct.  But, when you've held something like the struggle with self-image or self-worth inside for so many years, you feel CRAZY!  When the fear of telling others about how you feel fuels your worst fears, you feel CRAZY!

I'm so thankful that my health care professional continues to ask the hard questions & share new information she finds through her continued education.  I'm thankful that I understand & accept that it takes more than just determination to beat feelings of depression, insecurity, fear...  I'm thankful that exercise & diet & sleep habits help me face each day in a positive attitude with more strength & energy.  Most of all, I'm thankful that I feel no condemnation from Christ about this struggle.  YES, it's still a struggle - though nothing like before I named it & began a journey of healing.  

The struggle doesn't weaken me. It makes me stronger! I'm reminded of what the Apostle Paul said in the 4th chapter of Philippians...

• 4:11 ... for I have learned how to be content with whatever I have
• 4:12 ... I have learned the secret of living in every situation, whether it is with... plenty or little
• 4:13 ... I can do everything through Christ, who gives me strength
• 4:19 ... and, this same God who takes care of me will supply all your needs from his glorious riches, which have been given to us in Christ Jesus

I Really Thought I'd OUT GROW Crazy!  However, I never realized what a blessing CRAZY can be :)

(shared this with the Ann Voskamp One Thousand Gifts community)

I'm Going to Die Before I'm 35

Run to Him & know when you're
hiding from Him, He'll always
seek after you!

I'm going to die before I'm 35... I'm quite certain of it. I knew this from about the age of 12. Back in the days when I was gangly (not just skinny) -- resembling a rather unattractive 7 year old the height of a full grown adult! I always felt "a little less" than others around me. And, the ever-present silent thoughts occupied my mind: "You will only have to take this for less than 35 years. That's not TOO long. You can make it."

I took comfort in those thoughts wrapping them around me to insulate me from feeling, connection, pain, relationship.... life!

During my teens & early 20's I was in a constant battle with my thoughts, perceptions, self-image, etc. There were really only moments of rest from the thoughts that plagued my mind - those that brought me to the depths of despair one day & into a numbing sense of dullness on others. Thoughts that haunted me in the cold, dark hours of the night. Thoughts that whispered to me "No one will like you when they get to know you." I understood I'd never be loved by anyone who didn't HAVE to love me -- after all, I was ME! Thoughts and talk of suicide were probably a daily occurrence for more years than I want to remember. And the one thing that kept me from going through with it was that I felt I'd go to hell & then it would NEVER end, not even at 35! I would be in anguish forever!!

The dawn of my awakening came at the end of my sophomore year at Anderson University It occurred to me that quite a few of the people who "liked me" at the beginning of my freshman year still seemed to "like me" then. Imagine that?!? It was then I began to recognize some of the brokenness, in the lives of those around me & in some things that had happened to me as a child, as contributors to my initial feelings of unworthiness. So, I spent the next 5-6 years being incredibly angry with those people & the injustices I'd suffered. All the time I was taking comfort inside knowing that the hurt would all be over in a matter of years.

In my late-20's I coincidentally met & became friends with a Christian counselor, psychologist & author -- a pretty "cool" person, I thought. Over the course of a year, I began to see that although people & circumstances had affected my development, I had a choice to break free from those bonds. I'd been a Christian from an early age. I'd strayed away... and come back... and strayed away... and come back. But, I'd never actually believed that God could mend my brokenness from all those years ago. Putting the past behind me was scary. I was entering the unknown. And, we all know, there's no control in the unknown.

In the coming years, I thought less about what I knew: I was going to die before I turned 35. As I drew closer to the age of 35, the thought no longer brought comfort. I wondered, how will my passing affect my husband... my daughter... my son?  What brought me peace through the struggles of my youth & young adulthood now brought me a sense of sadness. 

Well, the 35th birthday has come & gone. I'm still here. I still have moments when I'm transported back to the gangly 12 year old girl who wasn't asked to the popular girl's slumber party... the 14 year old who locked herself in the bathroom threatening her parents that she'd end it all.. the 16 year old who was asked when she was going to start looking like a girl by the popular boy in the youth group. But, in those moments of remembering, I am reminded that there was plan in process for my life. A plan that was leading to a future & a hope.

"For I know the plans I have for you," says the LORD.

"They are plans for good and not for disaster,

to give you a future and a hope."

Jeremiah 29:11

I don't question the thoughts that played out in my mind all those years. I believe that God allowed me to find peace of mind in the only way I could experience it in those darkest of days. And in those dark days, He was doing a work in me to bring me closer to wholeness. There are still times when I struggle with depression - especially in the cold, bleak winter months. And, there've been several times in my life when peace came in the storm with some feeling of knowing the outcome. Quite often the storm passed and, the outcome of which I was certain never happened.

photo by T. Getz

I'm willing to allow Him to write my story - any way He chooses to write it. There will be more storms ahead to face. But, I take comfort knowing that I have a future and a hope.