I Really Thought I'd OUT GROW Crazy!

Who me...

* When I was 10 and felt really ugly, skinny, out of place... 
* When I was 13 and wondered whether I'd ever look older than 10... 
* When I was 15 threatening suicide & lying on the bathroom floor behind a locked door being taken off the hinges by my loving, frightened father... 
* When I was ALL THAT... I knew I was "crazy."  

But, I really thought I'd out grow crazy!

Unfortunate situations & circumstances in my childhood contributed to the beginning of my "crazy journey".  My search for independence & persistence at making own my choices as a youth deepened the "crazy the journey".  As a young adult - a young wife, a young mother - the stigma of being labeled as depressed or crazy prevented me from talking with others and seeking help.

Finally after years of consistently answering yes to 7-9 of the 10 "You Might Be Depressed If..." questions on television, I got the nerve to mention it at an annual health exam with my health professional.  Although she had been asking the right questions year after year, I had to reach the point where I was willing to honestly answer the questions.  I remember telling her, "Okay, I'm crazy! Pretty sure I've been crazy most of my life!"

I realize that the word CRAZY isn't very politically correct.  But, when you've held something like the struggle with self-image or self-worth inside for so many years, you feel CRAZY!  When the fear of telling others about how you feel fuels your worst fears, you feel CRAZY!

I'm so thankful that my health care professional continues to ask the hard questions & share new information she finds through her continued education.  I'm thankful that I understand & accept that it takes more than just determination to beat feelings of depression, insecurity, fear...  I'm thankful that exercise & diet & sleep habits help me face each day in a positive attitude with more strength & energy.  Most of all, I'm thankful that I feel no condemnation from Christ about this struggle.  YES, it's still a struggle - though nothing like before I named it & began a journey of healing.  

The struggle doesn't weaken me. It makes me stronger! I'm reminded of what the Apostle Paul said in the 4th chapter of Philippians...

• 4:11 ... for I have learned how to be content with whatever I have
• 4:12 ... I have learned the secret of living in every situation, whether it is with... plenty or little
• 4:13 ... I can do everything through Christ, who gives me strength
• 4:19 ... and, this same God who takes care of me will supply all your needs from his glorious riches, which have been given to us in Christ Jesus

I Really Thought I'd OUT GROW Crazy!  However, I never realized what a blessing CRAZY can be :)

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