Worrying, Waiting, Watching... Believing!

Began this post on 9-6-12...

I'm trying not to worry about tomorrow. I'm doing all I can do -- as far as planning. But, there are so many possible scenarios of what could happen. How do I possibly plan for each outcome?

And, worry is something I saw too much of as a child. I don't want to analyze every possibility and then stress over what the best options. I want to constantly focus on the "what is" rather than the "what if".

I believe God can bring GOOD from any situation. I continue to pray for that. I truly believe God will bring good from this situation. But, as we all know, God's timing often isn't our timing.

How long do we have to wait to see the good. I believe I will see the goodness of the LORD in the land of the living. I wonder, does "land of the living" mean a.) our mortal lives here on earth? or b.) our eternal lives with Christ in heaven? Regardless... I believe I will see the goodness of the LORD. 

How about you? I'm walking a tight rope these days. I have to keep my arms wide open just to keep my balance. I can't glance down but, must look straight ahead. The end is in sight -- but, oh so far away! But, with arms wide open & eyes focused ahead and above, we can all be perfectly situated for greatness in our lives! It's a promise given from our Heavenly Father!

And... talk about sleeping when you're walking a tight rope... that's not easy. The trust in someONE & something supernatural will keep you from plunging to the rocks below. You can be quieted by God's love!

Regardless of what we face daily... there is help & hope. Hang in there friends! All will be well!

At a Loss for Words...

I'm finding myself at a loss for words... and the funny thing is... it's okay...

Finding myself in the midst of Him, beyond the music - beyond the noise

Word of God speak; pour down like rain; washing my eyes to see Your majesty

Be still and know that You're in this place...

Please let me stay at rest in Your holiness...

All that I need is to be with You and in the quiet to hear Your voice...

Word of God speak; pour down like rain; washing my eyes to see Your majesty

Be still and know that You're in this place...

Please let me stay at rest in Your holiness...

I'm finding myself at a loss for words... and the funny thing is... it's okay!

Worst Year Ever!!!!!

Have you ever looked back on a long period of time (12 months or more) and said to yourself.... That was the WORST YEAR EVER! Have you ever been so very certain of something to only watch it implode in front of you? Have you cried out to God and earnestly pleaded for what you felt deeply was His will - something of which you believed to be His will all along. Have you cried out to Jesus... for Him to restore what was broken... for Him to show up mightily on behalf of hurting loved ones... for Him to soften hardened hearts & heal injured souls?

I was brought up in a "Christian" home. And, by that I mean... a family who walked the talk... a preacher's family where a daily, personal relationship with the Trinity (Father, Son & Holy Spirit) was taught and lived out. The choice for me to be a "believer" was more so for my family in my younger years. But over time, I came to understand, choose and grow into my very own personal relationship with Christ. 

Over the years I've experienced a peace that passes understanding through my faith (Philippians 4:7)... in times of death, disappointment, illness, hurt, loss of relationship, rejection, fear, and more. 

          * I walked the road of cancer with my father believing fully that at any moment God would heal Dad's earthly body and feeling the perfect will of God as I sat by my dad and heard his body let out it's last breath. It was a very hard year. But, in the end, my heart knew that what had happened was in God's perfect timing. 

          * I was lied to and betrayed by a person that I felt would always be a huge part of my life. It was years before I saw what a blessing that rejection had actually been for me & my future. 

          * I've lain awake many a night wondering about the safety of a dear, loved one. I've cried countless tears over the choices and their consequences from decisions made contrary to what I would have suggested. I've felt bullied, badgered & belittled for my feelings & faith in many of those times. I'm still waiting for some of those things to be resolved. But, I believe that they will.

          * And, I could go on...

My story probably isn't any different than most others. However, I've had the peace and assurance that God was at work in all situations... working for the best --- our best! Often that peace has been painful. I'm still confused about how certain things turned out. I still wonder if some of my prayers are being sent up in accordance to His will or just to heal the pain I experience. Each day is a new beginning of trusting & believing that it will all be fine, in the end.

So, for those out there who have had similar thoughts to... Worst Day Ever... Worst Week Ever... Worst Month Ever... WORST YEAR EVER, know that you are not alone in those feelings. Be encouraged that sometimes things are falling into place when you are certain they are falling apart.

A scripture that I cling to is... 

“And we know that God causes everything to work together for the good of those who love God and are called according to his purpose for them.” ‭‭Romans‬ ‭8:28‬ ‭NLT‬‬ http://bible.com/116/rom.8.28.nlt 

Some songs that have helped in times of struggle -- in the past year especially...

Alanna Story - I Won't Let Go

Casting Crowns - Oh My Soul 

Mercy Me - Even If 

Lauren Daigle - You Say 

Laura Story - Blessings

Hillsong United - So Will I 

Beware of ONLINE FRIENDS...

I met someone online a few years back. 

Isn't that a great beginning to a horror story!!!

This person is a woman - like me. And, we conversed pretty regularly for the next two and a half years. Through our conversations:

Today... It Should Be Snowing...

The emotions were too raw the day I wrote this. I could not bear to publish it on that day. But, today I find myself missing & thinking about that friend who went HOME on December 6th... and is now made whole...

Today is cool & rainy. But, given my mood... it should be snowing today. It feels like winter. I feel like I need to hibernate in my home and come back out in the spring. My heart is full of emotions as I just learned from a dear friend that she will be turned over to hospice care next week.

A Mother's Heart

I've written this before... and I say it again today... if we truly LOVE those we claim we LOVE, we must let them own and share their own stories... on their own time and in their own way. It's especially hard when the other person's story, their choices, their actions so greatly affected our lives.

But, I continue to believe that a person's story is their own to share when they feel ready. I still have secrets from the past that I've not written about... some I've not even spoken of. It's sobering to realize that every one - even those resting high up on pedestals towering above us - have parts of their past that they choose to leave in the past.

Just Because You Don't SEE...

Today is Monday... and, this Saturday we move out of here... to a place yet not known.

Today is rainy and cold (really cold - 57 degrees at 3pm). Those are not conducive conditions for going out with an 18-month old (who's napping now - praise God) to look for a place to stay here for our last 10 days. As I said to a friend earlier, I'm glad that when I can't actively work on something... God is still at work. The weather (or any of our other obstacles) are no match for His abilities!

Today others might look out the windows of our tiny tree-top Chautauqua apartment & see only rain drops clinging to the tall fir tree branches & gray clouds through the lacy limbs. But, I look out and, I know that a small piece of beautiful Lake Chautauqua is there, as well!

Just because you don't see something... doesn't mean it's not there!

When I was 15 years old, I lost one of my contact lenses while having a practice for the upcoming "powder puff" football game. Friends & I searched for hours to no avail. That evening I returned to the field alone & looked again. I got totally discouraged, slumped down on the ground sitting with my legs folded. I closed my eyes and prayed. As I was praying I was fingering the grass and... you probably guessed it... the contact was in my fingers. A contact lense that had been lost over 5-6 hours before was found with my eyes closed. It was somewhat like finding a needle in a haystack. 

So, that's my prayer for this situation We are so blessed that Jessica is able to take advantage of this awesome opportunity to study, work & learn as a VACI student. And, I'm praying that something great works out for this situation. 

Today, I am praying with expectation for another "needle in a haystack" miracle from the One who holds the future and holds my hand!


#JoyDare No. 2797. 57 degrees & rain... why?

10 Days To 10 Days

ATTENTION: You... yes, YOU!

I posted this picture earlier today on Facebook, Twitter & Instagram. The caption read:

ATTENTION: You... yes, YOU! 10 days to 10 days without a place to stay!!! If worse comes to worse, we found a room with a sink, a ceiling fan & a twin bed We are praying for a little miracle  Surely, there's an empty guest house or guest suite in this place! Keep those prayers & positive thoughts going!!!

I recently posted a plea for help about housing for the girls & I here inside Chautauqua Institution for our last 10 nights. Most of the places here on the inside are booked about a year in advance. My daughter didn't know she'd been accepted into the Visual Arts program until early May. Due to the special guest during that week, Ken Burns, Week 7 was pretty much sold out, as far as housing goes. We secured a place through Friday night, August 1st. However, we need to be here through the night of August 11th.

I continue to pray and ask God to part the Red Sea for us on this housing issue. We need to be ON THE INSIDE of Chautauqua -- not in Mayville or Jamestown. I know it sounds a bit mean, but... I really wish that the couple who booked our little apartment a year ahead for week 7 would decide not to come or to rent another place. I also wish that a resident who might have an empty guest suite or guest house for the week would be inclined to allow us to use it.

As I said on my social media note earlier today, I know of one place that has a room with a double bed, sink & ceiling fan available for that week. I have no idea if there's room to set up a Pack N Play though. This is certainly not ideal for our situation with an 18-month toddler. But, it's better than trying to live out of our car in the Main Parking Lot -- pretty sure that's against their Rules & Reg's :)

Today marks 10 days until we need a place to stay for 10 days. Whisper a prayer for us, if you would :) I am believing that God will provide for this need!

Help us, O God of our salvation!

Help us for the glory of your name.

Save us and forgive our sins

for the honor of your name.

Psalm 79:9

PAIRINGS - A Dichotomy Within

I'm a mess. I'm imperfect (a lot of imperfect to be honest). I desire so many things. I attain few. I'm a piece of work... a work in progress.

This morning these scriptures came to mind...

"I desire to do your will, my God; your law is within my heart." Psalm 40:8

"I want to do what is good, but I don’t. I don’t want to do what is wrong, but I do it anyway." Romans 7:19 NLT

I took this picture on a day
when the winds carried the snow
across our property -
blocking our view entirely at one point!

I am a dichotomy! 

dichotomy - a division into two mutually exclusive, opposed, or contradictory groups: e.g.a dichotomy between thought and action

But, I am seeking to grow closer to what I was created to be :)

This was also my #JoyDare No. 2474. the struggle within - dichotomy

Linking with Ann Voskamp - A Holy Experience today... 

A Chapter Closed - Everyone Will Be Inconvenienced!

In times like these I tend to get a bit anti-social. I have problems doing much more than connecting with people via texts & social media - you know, that third-hand type of connection. "Sunday's to church" is about the only time I want to show my face in public! It's a rough thing to watch... from my seat.

My mind is FULL of thoughts today. We've had a bumpy week to say the least. I'm just plain worn out - physically & emotionally. That's not helping with my attitude. But, I'm hanging in there & relying on someone greater than me to provide for ALL my needs.

The "NEST" is no longer empty.
It was...
for a short time.

We're entering a new chapter in our family as we welcome one of our adult children & a tiny baby into our home for a season. The lives of all three of us will be inconvenienced to some extent with these changes. We are trusting that the life of the little one will be blessed by being here :) This isn't how we had dreamed things would work out for our family. This isn't how she had dreamed of her life as a mommy. A chapter closed today... and a new one opened -- bringing more opportunities for God to show His loving kindness, power, provision & glory!

I have plenty of housework to make things work in this house as we add two more to our home. Some of the projects that weren't all that crucial have become extremely important as we "re-work" things around here. There will be "stuff in the halls" for months to come :) Yet, I digress.

This one change will bring other changes. There's a part of me that's longing for another day. I'm longing for the day when our other house sells & closes AND we are done with double mortgages, double property taxes, etc. I'm longing for days when school loans are a thing of the past! I'm longing for the day when I no longer hear the cries of hurting ones (yes, that's another HEAVEN reference from me). I'm longing for the day when a lot of things will make sense to me!

Some of the scattered thoughts I've had today...

• I'm a bit tired of the same ol' same ol' stuff... however, this continues to be my daily prayer... through all of it... LET MY LIFE PRAISE YOU! Take a listen!
• This quote comes to mind and is a great reminder to me... "How has your Christianity inconvenienced your life this past week? Or, is it merely a matter of convenience?" ~ AW Tozer
• The things which bring the greatest joy to me... don't put a penny in my pocket... but, I am grateful for the priceless blessings that fill my heart!!

Thank You LORD for remaining constant in all of the change! Thank You LORD for scattered thoughts that bring me back to You & Your faithfulness. Thank You LORD for creating me to trust Your Heart when I can't see Your Hand.

(found this in the unpublished folder today... good day to publish it)

When the Fog Rolls In

The open spaces around my home are being swallowed up by a cold, rainy mist even now, as I write these words. I could see it coming from the fields. I put on a coat & my "muck boots" and ran out with smart phone in hand to capture the mysterious takeover by "Mother Nature." I stood in wonder as the mist rolled over the fields toward me.

A half a mile to the west, the house & out-buildings seemed to melt away. Glancing quickly to the east, I could clearly see Minnie Belle's house & the barns. Her family settled here nearly 100 years ago. Her husband has gone ahead & remaining loved ones, who've since moved into town, come to check on her daily. Her fields are farmed by hired workers now. And, the animal barns stand empty.

In the time it took to think about my neighbor to the east, a cool mist brushed my face. As I turned to look back southwest toward the coming fog, I could barely see a few yards in front of me. A glance to the right gave me maybe 30 feet of clarity. Another glance to the left gave only a hint of Minnie Belle's farm. In a moment everything seemed to have been swallowed up by mist moving over the snow-covered fields. I stood there in silence & gathered my thoughts.

What a picture this was of my life. Things seem to be clear & tangible one moment. I feel as though I can see what's coming down the road. I take false comfort in that "knowing". Then everything seems to disappear into thin air. It's a great picture of what our earthly lives are like, according to God's Word, and a great reminder that we need not worry about our tomorrows.

"How do you know what your life will be like tomorrow? Your life is like the morning fog—it's here a little while, then it's gone." James 4:14

Just as the fog prevented me from seeing my surroundings, circumstances in life often prevent me from seeing what is really happening in those situations. And in the moments when I am unable to see, I need to trust for direction to come beyond myself. A loving God is always willing to take my hand & lead me... or take my hand & give comfort as I wait for the fog to clear.

“And now, indeed, the hand of the Lord is upon you, and you shall be blind, not seeing the sun for a time. And immediately a dark mist fell on him, and he went around seeking someone to lead him by the hand." Acts 13:11

Today, as I stood motionless -- engulfed in the fog... I gave thanks for the reminders whispered to me, once again, by a faithful & loving Father.

"Faith is the confidence that what we hope for will actually happen; it gives us assurance about things we cannot see." Hebrews 11:1

Linking with Ann Voskamp - A Holy Experience today...

NOTE: Due to a small book club group for women started in 2012 by a friend at my church, I actually picked up & read Ann Voskamp's book, One Thousand Gifts, in early 2012. I began listing gifts then & am planning to continue for years to come. It's a WONDERFUL way to remind myself of God's tender loving care for & faithfulness to me -- and to all his children! I've always been one to get super excited about the little things from God - seeing a mother deer & her fawns while out walking early in the morning, the way the clouds look on a cold -- but sunny -- winter day, the lighting or angle I was able to catch in a photo, the quiet snoring/breathing of the LOML as he sleeps beside me, new fuzzy socks or slippers, an apple right off my tree, etc. Often times my descriptions make no sense to anyone by me & God. So, I decided to expand upon those thoughts in a few posts. So... for today... 

#JoyDare No. 2323. rolling fog

HOPE, Moving Through the Fog 10-02-13

If I were to write a book about the past few years, I could easily (and accurately) entitle it, Moving Through the Fog. Come to think of it, that's much better than Being Stuck in the Fog. 

The past few years have been a struggle. But, with the support of some great friends & due, more than anything, to my relationship with Christ, I've kept moving. The process may have been one step back, two steps forward. But, overall, it was progress in the right direction.

In the worst fog, you might not be able to see well enough to drive a car. But, there's almost always enough visibility to walk ahead. That's probably the first lesson - Don't be in a hurry!

And on most days, as seen in the picture above, the visibility on a foggy morning gets better as the rays of the sun chips away at the the density of the fog. So, the second lesson - Trust that time will make things better.

When you feel like your life is in a fog, take hope in this:

• slow & steady is much better than hurry scurry
• time is on your side
• just because we can't see something doesn't mean it's not there

God promises...

"Faith is the confidence that what we hope for will actually happen; it gives us assurance about things we cannot see." Hebrews 11:1

Linking this month with The Nesting Place

 for the 31-day Challenge

My Darkest Days

My darkest days were those when I hid behind my shame.

I fled from community & into the arms of solitude.

I reasoned that I was alone in my struggle... that it was a struggle of the unworthy, of the weak, of the lost.

In those darkest of days I sought to be healed but, refused any human help!

I believed in God's power of healing but... I would only accept His complete healing... on my own terms.

He would have to heal me quietly -- without the knowledge or involvement of others.

They say that when something hurts you enough... that then, and only then, will you truly change.

When the struggle's worn you down for countless hours, weeks, months, years... how can strength to begin such a change be found? And, what's the source of that kind of strength?

The strongest chord of a strand is the deepest one. When all the others unravel, the strongest remains. The chord that ties us to the eternal. The chord that binds us to the source of of all strength.

Light began to dawn the moment I stepped out from behind my shame & said,

• "God, I will accept Your healing on Your terms."

• "I will allow others to see my wounds."

• "I will no longer define what is unworthy, weak, lost..."

• "I will trust in the chord at the center of my being that can never be severed by this world or the powers below."

I cling tenaciously and with complete hope & acceptance of this promise...

"And I am certain that God, who began the good work within you, will continue his work until it is finally finished on the day when Christ Jesus returns." 

Philippians 1:6

When I Can't See... I Claim Promises...

Some days I just don't SEE... so, I trust in promises. I seem to be having a LOT of days lately when I don't see how this mess can turn out okay. I am living on promises!! We're promised in Isaiah 40:30, 

"... those who trust in the LORD will find new strength. They will soar high on wings like eagles. They will run and not grow weary. They will walk and not faint." 

What great promises - new strength, not getting weary, etc. Why do I make such a big deal of my troubles?

Isaiah 40 - always worth reading :)

Did someone expect ME to come along and relate so well to these words :)

"How can you say the LORD does not see your troubles? ... how can you say God ignores your rights? Have you never heard? Have you never understood? The LORD is the everlasting God, the Creator of all the earth. He never grows weak or weary. No one can measure the depths of his understanding. He gives power to the weak and strength to the powerless. Even youths will become weak and tired, and young men will fall in exhaustion. But those who trust in the LORD will find new strength.They will soar high on wings like eagles. They will run and not grow weary. They will walk and not faint." Isaiah 40

I needed to be reminded of those promises today. Some days it's ESPECIALLY necessary for me to live by faith & not by sight. How about you?

Linking with Ann Voskamp - A Holy Experience today... 

What EVER You Do...

photo courtesy T. Getz

(originally posted 10-02-09; re-published 07-23-15)
During a recent small group meeting, we were talking about how God gives us what we ask for in His name. We talked about how we each have to get down to what we consider the "bottom line" and ask ourselves what we want most though, before asking God for something.

The tough reply to that question (and my reply I've given to God in this "crazy, scary season" of life) is to desire to bring glory and honor to God -- whatever happens! 

I love this excerpt from the book, Practicing His Presence, by Charlie Riggs: