A Mother's Heart

I've written this before... and I say it again today... if we truly LOVE those we claim we LOVE, we must let them own and share their own stories... on their own time and in their own way. It's especially hard when the other person's story, their choices, their actions so greatly affected our lives.

But, I continue to believe that a person's story is their own to share when they feel ready. I still have secrets from the past that I've not written about... some I've not even spoken of. It's sobering to realize that every one - even those resting high up on pedestals towering above us - have parts of their past that they choose to leave in the past.

Not All Those Who Wander Are Lost

Certain times of the year the battle is more challenging than other times. Summer days are full of sunshine, gardening and exercising outside. Summer nights are filled with watching fireflies over the neighboring fields or sitting outside & gazing up at all the beautiful stars you can see when you're this far away from city lights. But winter... winter is... much less fun... for me.

What's the battle I fight?? It's against anxiety & depression. I've written a lot about it my battle -- just check out the number of posts I've labeled for anxiety & depression!!

That SATURDAY Feeling!

I've been thinking a lot about SATURDAY this week... it seems to get over-looked in the story of Easter. And, many people in this world are living in the "Saturday" right now -- feeling as though the "Saturday" will never end. There are so many things which plague us in this fallen world:

• grief
• shame
• poverty
• guilt
• loneliness
• insecurity
• despair
• pain (physical, emotional, etc.)
• human trafficking
• sorrow
• depression
• persecution
• loss

Many know that Sunday is coming... but aren't feeling it at all! Seasons of brokenness can feel overwhelming & without end. Times of hopelessness can nearly consume us. Grief & pain can break us down, robbing us of the strength we need for even the simplest things in life. Many things can make us afraid to take chances again or take another path. And, it's easy to allow our poor choices or weaknesses to cause us to begin believing we don't even deserve a better life. Often we can become so weary from the battle that we want to throw in the towel... and just give up. We want to cry out "it is finished" without a glimmer of hope.

I can't imagine how the SATURDAY after Christ's crucifixion must have felt to so many. It had to be a day of much anguish... questioning... fear. I wonder about those who'd stood by the side of Jesus as he spoke the words to bring Lazarus back to life... to bring the daughter of Jairus back to life. I wonder if those people even considered the possibility that their Lord could also come back to life? Or were they overwhelmed with the knowledge of what was at that very moment. There was a separation on that day. And, that separation was horrible. 

I was able to capture this photo during the Good Friday service at
my church which was lead by Alanna Story.
What a blessing that service was!!

YES... I've been thinking a lot about SATURDAY this week... and about how so many people in this world are living in the "Saturday" right now. May our hearts be moved to walk alongside those who are going through that "Saturday" feeling.

"They will mock him, spit on him, flog him with a whip and kill him, but after 3 days he will rise again." Mark 10:34

#JoyDare No. 2497. reflecting on SATURDAY

Open Spaces - #JoyDare No. 2289

Due to a small book club group for women started in 2012 by a friend at my church, I actually picked up & read Ann Voskamp's book, One Thousand Gifts, in early 2012. I began listing gifts then & am planning to continue for years to come. It's a WONDERFUL way to remind myself of God's tender loving care for & faithfulness to me -- and to all his children! I've always been one to get super excited about the little things from God - seeing a mother deer & her fawns while out walking early in the morning, the way the clouds look on a cold -- but sunny -- winter day, the lighting or angle I was able to catch in a photo, the quiet snoring/breathing of the LOML as he sleeps beside me, new fuzzy socks or slippers, an apple right off my tree, etc. Often times my descriptions make no sense to anyone by me & God. So, I decided to expand upon those thoughts in a few posts. So... for today... 

Open Spaces - #JoyDare No. 2289

Among other things, I've struggled with insecurity & anxiety issues for years. As you can see from my posts over the years, I've struggled with a lot :) Usually each struggle happens independently. But, there's one situation that used to be the "double whammy" for me every week. It happened every Sunday morning at church. It was the church narthex -- the old term for the entry area just outside of the sanctuary. We began attending church at "North Anderson Church of God" when we moved back to Indiana for the LOML to finish up on his degree. Within a few years, I was singing in the choir, active in a Young Married Couples class, volunteering for the Worship Arts pastor & ministry, and more. I met a LOT of great people through those smaller groups. I was at home in each of those groups.

But, Sunday mornings after church, when we all poured out from the sanctuary, my chest tightened and my breathing became quick & shallow. I never could seem to make it from point A to point B without feeling a lot of stress. I felt swallowed up in that sea of smiling (and familiar) faces. It was just too much... too close. I was constantly questioning myself... did I miss someone's eye contact because I was staring at my feet moving toward my goal... did I miss talking with someone when I stopped to say hello to another... did I... did I... did I? In the 17 years we attended church at that location, I struggled with those feelings.

When our church relocated to our new location, Madison Park Church, it only took a few Sundays for my family to notice that things had changed. The person who had avoided crossing the narthex at North was now almost impossible to get in the car after church. I was running all over "The Commons" at Madison Park. It was freeing. My deep connection & joy come from the intimate moments I share with those I see before & after the services. The open space in our new "Commons" area freed me to move about & make those connections.

When we moved from Durbin Manor out here to the sticks, I had NO IDEA how freeing the open spaces would be. I can't even describe how much I love sitting at my place at the dinner table. I look out our front window (to my left) for over a mile to where the White River bends below the river banks and then glance to the right out the back window across a mile of fields & small wooded areas. There's sheer joy in those moments as I look out for a distance while safe inside of my home.

Whether I 'm walking down a country road for a few miles with no one in sight or walking through a crowded room, I envision myself as being covered & protected by God Himself. I can navigate all those places without fear knowing that God will bring me through.

His Promises are TRUE!

"He will cover you with his feathers. He will shelter you with his wings. His faithful promises are your armor and protection." Psalm 91:4 NLT 

"You are my hiding place and my shield; I hope in Your word." Psalm 119:114 AMP

My #JoyDare list for Sunday, 2/9/14:

2289. open spaces

2290. messy rooms

2291. old people

Linking with Ann Voskamp - A Holy Experience today...

Please, Don't Make Me Leave My Home

Today, I am thankful for fireplaces,
space heaters, long underwear,
and the warm love of The LORD!

Today, as I waited patiently (or not so patiently) to hear back from the HVAC company as to whether the part to fix our furnace would come in before the COLD weekend, God gave me a HUGE hug!

Shortly after moving to "stuckinindiana" from the Sunshine State almost 25 years ago, it became painfully evident that I had some issues with winter blues (SAD  - Seasonal Affective Disorder). During the days that my two children were small, my moods were rather even keel. It's my theory that breastfeeding both of them well into their first years boosted my emotions. I remember the peace & fulfillment I felt as I held them near & provided for their needs in a way that none other could. In the subsequent years, I was fine in the summers when I was out walking daily in the sunshine or "babysitting" our neighbor's pool as they traveled. However, the winters were hard. 

I've learned over the years that exercise, healthy eating, and good sleep habits can maximize how I feel in the winter months. But being a "nester" most of my life, no matter how well I'm feeling, I still don't want to leave my home when the weather turns cold & gray. My inner voice is always screaming, "Please, Don't Make Me Leave My Home!" 

This cold winter morning - when I was buried under covers & praying to hear from our heating company soon - I saw a Facebook post pop up on my news feed (from the evening before) from a fellow Women's Ministries Fan ...

"Any Anderson friends have a couch I can crash on tomorrow for a few hours after 11am until about 3?"

Without really thinking about it, my fingers typed the words...

"I do -- message me!"

In about 4 hours, a young lady who attends the same church as I do (whom I'd messaged with but never met face-to-face) was fast asleep on our couch in the basement family room beside the fire, as I continued to wait upstairs by that fire for a call from our HVAC company. What a wonderful & unexpected blessing it was for God to use me in my weakness. He is so loving & kind to me -- really, to all His children. I'm thankful that my heart shouted YES when I saw Jenn's post!

Over the years, I've had people tell me that God doesn't intend for me to suffer from depression and/or winter blues. I've been told that if I truly believed in His healing powers that I would be healed of that affliction. And, I'm not a theological scholar to debate with them intelligently. However, I'm a Lover of the Lord!. And, I've always had a strong feeling when reading the King James Version of Philippians 2:12b 

"...work out your own salvation with fear and trembling." 

I've gotten the sense from that scripture that I need to be seeking how I should live out the scriptures in a way that honors the Lord. Personally, I feel that God allows me to suffer in this way, at this time, while working through me despite my weaknesses.

In such a time, I run to The Word...

• "For he knows how weak we are; he remembers we are only dust." Psalm 103:14 NLT

• "Three different times I begged the Lord to take it away. Each time he said, “My grace is all you need. My power works best in weakness.” So now I am glad to boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ can work through me. That’s why I take pleasure in my weaknesses, and in the insults, hardships, persecutions, and troubles that I suffer for Christ. For when I am weak, then I am strong." 2 Corinthians 8-10

• "If I must boast, I would rather boast about the things that show how weak I am." 2 Corinthians 11:30 NLT

I encourage you to seek what God is saying to YOU in the Bible. Start new each morning with the hopes and belief that God will work in & through you to accomplish what is needed for the world to see God in you & desire to know God personally.

Praying for you just now... believing that God is at work in YOU!

Linking with Ann Voskamp - A Holy Experience today...

HOPE, Life Can Be a Struggle 10-29-13

If I was asked to sit down & list the times that God has been faithful to me - through protection, by giving me a peace beyond understanding, while walking through the illness or death of a loved one... through a lot of things - I could probably come up with 25-30 examples in no time. Yet, when I'm in the middle of a struggle, I question once again, "Why is this so hard? Why is life such a struggle?"

It seems that it's no time from when one task or challenge is met until another rears its ugly head. My depression & anxiety issues don't make it any easier. And, then there's those feelings of inadequacy I fight from childhood & youth days. It feels like a lot of energy has to be exerted to move through almost every day. It takes hard work & trusting in God to manage many things that life throws in our path! What inspires me to do it?? Hope in my Lord!

This is why we work hard and continue to struggle (suffer in some translations), for our hope is in the living God, who is the Savior of all people and particularly of all believers. 1 Timothy 4:10

My identity is in CHRIST
& His Word promises strength for the day. 

Life can be a struggle.  But, with God, I allow HIM to fight the battle. I thank God that I am able to wake up each morning with a sense of hope, renewal & strength for life's struggles and for life's JOYS!

Linking October 2013 with The Nesting Place

 for the 31-day Challenge

You Are The Only You!

Mondays are weird for me. I never seem to settle into what feels like normal for a Monday. During some seasons of life, I worked a traditional 8am-5pm job and Monday began that way. Other seasons, I was a stay-at-home mom, a home-maker, and a wife. Those Mondays started with the regular "To Do Lists." Recently, I've been a "DeeDee" (that's my name for grandmother) helping with the care of a sweet little girl. I continue, this season of life, to try and define the meaning of normality.

One thing that does seem normal on a Monday morning is trying to catch up on missed devotionals & missed announcements via social media, etc. This morning, when checking out the two Twitter accounts I manage, I stumbled across a note from To Write Love On Her Arms. And, apparently, this week is National Suicide Prevention Week.  

When I was young & through my high school and college years, I was probably seen as a very confident young woman. I'd grown up in the spotlight in my little town - being one of the daughters of a beloved pastor in that mountain community. I couldn't get away with a thing - LOL. I was in the spotlight. In the shadows, however, I questioned myself constantly...

OUCH... the memories!

... was I enough?

... was I attractive?

... was I smart?

... was I loved?

... would I ever amount to anything? 

... could I ever make a difference in this world?

Thoughts of suicide were something I faced almost daily. I didn't really want to DO it. But, I sure did want to be gone... over... done... away. I remember having those thoughts as early as the age of ten. And, seriously, why would an attractive young girl like her not have a great self-image?

I'm incredibly thankful God helped me through those years. I pray for others who battle such thoughts & struggle with lies & questions from Satan. Trust me, those are NOT from God. Believe this: 

YOU ARE THE ONLY YOU... and YOU ARE IMPORTANT & LOVED! 

From my own experiences, this week of National Suicide Prevention Week, I'm confident there are many people out there struggling on their own... often quite well hidden... with thoughts of shame, inadequacy, escape... suicide.  

If you struggle with this... Take time today to reach out for help or tell yourself to hang on - tomorrow will be better. Don't be embarrassed or scared to seek help!

If you don't struggle with this...  Take time today open your mind to the fact that others DO struggle in this way. And, open your eyes to the little clues that might point you in the direction of someone you can love.

IN HIS WORDS...

These words written to a people going through many trials... 

All praise to God, the Father of our Lord Jesus Christ. God is our merciful Father and the source of all comfort. He comforts us in all our troubles so that we can comfort others. When they are troubled, we will be able to give them the same comfort God has given us. For the more we suffer for Christ, the more God will shower us with his comfort through Christ. Even when we are weighed down with troubles, it is for your comfort and salvation! For when we ourselves are comforted, we will certainly comfort you. Then you can patiently endure the same things we suffer. We are confident that as you share in our sufferings, you will also share in the comfort God gives us. 2 Corinthians 1:2-7

Will you help me LOVE others?

PS... 

My friend, writer Chuck Kellum, shared this too...

If nothing else, at least try one of these: 800-SUICIDE, 800-273-TALK, or find another number to call at http://www.suicidehotlines.com/

Silent Music

The other day my attention was caught by the following quote:

“And those who were seen dancing were thought to be insane

by those who could not hear the music.”
Friedrich Nietzsche 

My mind immediately went to my life! There are so many things happening lately that could easily steal the joy (aka the music) from my life. Many of my friends have questioned if I'm in denial about reality. They say things like, "You seem to be doing so well considering... " That's a fair question. Most days it makes no sense to me! 

But, I've chosen to hear the music & keep dancing regardless of what's happening in my life and even harder sometimes - what's happening in the lives of my loved ones. 

When I read the Nietzsche quote, I thought to myself, "Wow, what a great quote to pair with a scripture." First, as is my custom, I decided to see who this "Friedrich Nietzsche" was before I shared the quote. 

Friedrich Wilhelm Nietzsche (1844–1900) was a German philosopher of the late 19th century who challenged the foundations of Christianity and traditional morality. He was interested in the enhancement of individual and cultural health, and believed in life, creativity, power, and the realities of the world we live in, rather than those situated in a world beyond. Central to his philosophy is the idea of “life-affirmation,” which involves an honest questioning of all doctrines that drain life's expansive energies, however socially prevalent those views might be. Often referred to as one of the first existentialist philosophers along with Søren Kierkegaard (1813–1855), Nietzsche's revitalizing philosophy has inspired leading figures in all walks of cultural life, including dancers, poets, novelists, painters, psychologists, philosophers, sociologists and social revolutionaries. (source, Stanford Encyclopedia of Philosophy)

It's a bit puzzling how someone who challenged the foundations of Christianity says something that speaks directly to how I view my relationship with Christ. 

Another part of the above cited article read:

That Nietzsche was able to write so prolifically and profoundly for years, while remaining in a condition of ill-health and often intense physical pain, is a testament to his spectacular mental capacities and willpower. Lesser people under the same physical pressures might not have had the inclination to pick up a pen, let alone think and record thoughts which — created in the midst of striving for healthy self-overcoming — would have the power to influence an entire century.

I see myself as having ill-health and often intense physical pain. Most of the time my "pain" is from struggling with mild anxiety & depression (worse in the winter months) or battling the insecurities of my youth which attempt to haunt me as an adult. However, despite those "ailments," I feel I'm accomplishing good things & sharing honestly with those who would listen. I totally believe that my honesty might bring hope & encouragement to another with similar struggles. Oh yeah, I'll admit, I get frustrated that I don't accomplish as many things as I think I should in most days. I'm far below the standards of others. But, I rarely ever wonder if I've not accomplished just what I should have done in that day!

My favorite dancing partner!

I give myself no credit for... let's say: "spectacular mental capacities and willpower... inclination to pick up a pen, let alone think and record thoughts which — created in the midst of striving for healthy self-overcoming — would have the power to influence." I give all credit to the One who created me. I totally buy in to the scripture that says, "When I am weak, he is strong." 2Cor12:10  I totally buy in to the scripture that says, "Greater is He who is in me than He who is in the world." 1John4:4 I totally buy in to the scripture that says, "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me." Phil4:13

Perhaps it's a case of "I say poTAYto & you say poTAHto." If so, I'm still at peace & joyful about my outlook on life. I love to dance when there seems to be NO MUSIC at all :)

God gave each of us the opportunity to choose freely how to believe. Regardless of whether their views are in line with mine, I am grateful that there are people on this planet, from all walks of life, who are dancing when there appears to be no music :)

Are you a dancer?

FOLLOW UP NOTE: The day after I posted this, a good friend & local poet/writer, Chuck Kellum, posted the following poem. I think it's AWESOME...

Joy and Sorrow

Lively we the dancing do

Throughout the full night long.

A vestal sprite plays sweet the song

That buoys us ‘til the dawn.

And glumly he

Who cannot sleep

Does curse our merry way,

As all the while he’ll toss and turn

Until the break of day.

We in our glee

Know of him not,

But he in turn knows well

How he himself was once, like us,

Rapt in nocturnal swell.

And as our hearts rise light with bliss

His falls in dark despair,

Deaf to the tune

That lifts us now

Into the nighttime air.

©2013 by Chuck Kellum

Too Depressed for Earrings

As I rushed out the door today to help transport a friend from one job to the next (since her teenager had the family car), I looked at my hair pulled back in a ponytail, face with the remnants of yesterday's make-up & wearing work-out clothes. And, I thought to myself,

"You really need to do something to improve your looks girl!"

The thought of putting on some glitzy earrings to distract people from the view (as I have done on numerous occasions) entered my mind. But, immediately, my inner self screamed out, 

"I'm too depressed for earrings today! Just go girl!"

I immediately burst out laughing, grabbed my car keys & headed out the door. I might not want to leave my comfortable cocoon. But, I do! And, I thank God for numerous "sister friends" who brighten my day & could care less whether I am wearing earrings or have any make-up on.

Good friends don't judge what's on the outside because, they see & love what's on the inside. They see your potential. Healthy people (or those who are TRYING to be healthy) don't hide in their homes "until they put their make-up on." But, they venture out & share their lives.

There are "friends" who destroy each other, but a real friend sticks closer than a sister (okay, it says brother). Proverbs 18:24

Conserving Energy

I'm conserving energy. Why? Because it seems to be in limited supply in my life lately. Is it really or are certain things stealing my energy? Do I begin each day with plenty of energy & squander it on non-worthy things (fretting, planning, speculating, etc.)?

Has anyone seen my energy?

The inability to "act" - my plague. The need of super energy for what the rest of the world does effortlessly - yep, that's me. Day after day after day of heartbreak & disappointment with not much of a hint for a better day in sight - BINGO! And yet, I faithfully list my "Joy Dares" daily & hold tightly to the memory of those moments of joy -- finding that they hold me up in the lowest of times & bring light into my darkness.

They say that hindsight is 20/20. But, I don't want to go much further in this unfocused frightening haze. The time traveling in the darkness of this fallen world has worn on me. Yet, this groping around in the dark has definitely heightened my sense of the presence of any light.

Where would I be without the mysteries of God... the peace that passes all understanding... the hope found in hopeless situations... His new mercies with the coming of each new day... the willing acceptance of whatever will come - no matter what!

I completely believe that God will give me the desires of my heart. But, in this time of trials, when in His presence, all I really KNOW is that I want Him to be glorified. Oh, don't get me wrong... I plead with Him for this to happen... and for that not to happen. I ask specifically for so many things & ask for them in the Name of Jesus. And, yet, before I can get to "Amen," I fall into His arms & surrender my will to His.

The Bible promises we will have the strength we need for each new day & that life won't dish out more than we can handle.

Apparently, the plan means I'm to be zapped of energy before 6pm & I can handle a lot!

Shared with the Ann Voskamp One Thousand Gifts community on 9/24/12

My Darkest Days

My darkest days were those when I hid behind my shame.

I fled from community & into the arms of solitude.

I reasoned that I was alone in my struggle... that it was a struggle of the unworthy, of the weak, of the lost.

In those darkest of days I sought to be healed but, refused any human help!

I believed in God's power of healing but... I would only accept His complete healing... on my own terms.

He would have to heal me quietly -- without the knowledge or involvement of others.

They say that when something hurts you enough... that then, and only then, will you truly change.

When the struggle's worn you down for countless hours, weeks, months, years... how can strength to begin such a change be found? And, what's the source of that kind of strength?

The strongest chord of a strand is the deepest one. When all the others unravel, the strongest remains. The chord that ties us to the eternal. The chord that binds us to the source of of all strength.

Light began to dawn the moment I stepped out from behind my shame & said,

• "God, I will accept Your healing on Your terms."

• "I will allow others to see my wounds."

• "I will no longer define what is unworthy, weak, lost..."

• "I will trust in the chord at the center of my being that can never be severed by this world or the powers below."

I cling tenaciously and with complete hope & acceptance of this promise...

"And I am certain that God, who began the good work within you, will continue his work until it is finally finished on the day when Christ Jesus returns." 

Philippians 1:6

I'm Stuck

Today I'm stuck. 

Come to think of it I've been stuck for awhile now. 

And, I really wish I could get unstuck.

I wonder... Is God allowing me to be stuck to learn something? Is God allowing me to be stuck while someone else is learning something?

I wonder... Am I still in the "wrap in a blanket & hide" stage of grief. You know, our old friend, GRIEF... the gradual, and often painful, acceptance of a new reality.

I understand there's nothing I can physically do to change this new reality.

I wholeheartedly believe in the miraculous power of prayer even when I don't know exactly what to pray. Do I pray for...

Protection... Provision... Wisdom... Strength... Health... Recommitment... Renewal

I'm haunted by what I've seen & heard. How THIS could be the "happy ending" is inconceivable. It's not about me... but my heart is broken by it. It goes against everything I've hoped for & dreamed about. I feel robbed and yet know that I'm the one least affected by all of this.

I believe that the plans God has for ALL OF His children are of a future and a hope. And yet, I see no hope in THIS future.

God, I believe in you! I trust you! I love you. I surrender to you & your will. Please hold me tightly God... while I'm stuck.

In one way or another...
aren't we all stuck at times?

(written a while ago... God remains faithful... I am trusting Him in the moments that I feel stuck)

Life's Snapshots - Earning a Sticker

You are never too old to earn a sticker on the sticker chart...

in my opinion :)

Plate full of healthy food...

Give that girl a sticker!

Some days it's all I can do to get out of bed.  So, when I make the get out of bed & make the bed immediately, I give myself a "star."

Never hesitate to pat yourself on the back for an accomplishment... even the small ones :D

Romans 8:1

I Really Thought I'd OUT GROW Crazy!

Who me...

* When I was 10 and felt really ugly, skinny, out of place... 
* When I was 13 and wondered whether I'd ever look older than 10... 
* When I was 15 threatening suicide & lying on the bathroom floor behind a locked door being taken off the hinges by my loving, frightened father... 
* When I was ALL THAT... I knew I was "crazy."  

But, I really thought I'd out grow crazy!

Unfortunate situations & circumstances in my childhood contributed to the beginning of my "crazy journey".  My search for independence & persistence at making own my choices as a youth deepened the "crazy the journey".  As a young adult - a young wife, a young mother - the stigma of being labeled as depressed or crazy prevented me from talking with others and seeking help.

Finally after years of consistently answering yes to 7-9 of the 10 "You Might Be Depressed If..." questions on television, I got the nerve to mention it at an annual health exam with my health professional.  Although she had been asking the right questions year after year, I had to reach the point where I was willing to honestly answer the questions.  I remember telling her, "Okay, I'm crazy! Pretty sure I've been crazy most of my life!"

I realize that the word CRAZY isn't very politically correct.  But, when you've held something like the struggle with self-image or self-worth inside for so many years, you feel CRAZY!  When the fear of telling others about how you feel fuels your worst fears, you feel CRAZY!

I'm so thankful that my health care professional continues to ask the hard questions & share new information she finds through her continued education.  I'm thankful that I understand & accept that it takes more than just determination to beat feelings of depression, insecurity, fear...  I'm thankful that exercise & diet & sleep habits help me face each day in a positive attitude with more strength & energy.  Most of all, I'm thankful that I feel no condemnation from Christ about this struggle.  YES, it's still a struggle - though nothing like before I named it & began a journey of healing.  

The struggle doesn't weaken me. It makes me stronger! I'm reminded of what the Apostle Paul said in the 4th chapter of Philippians...

• 4:11 ... for I have learned how to be content with whatever I have
• 4:12 ... I have learned the secret of living in every situation, whether it is with... plenty or little
• 4:13 ... I can do everything through Christ, who gives me strength
• 4:19 ... and, this same God who takes care of me will supply all your needs from his glorious riches, which have been given to us in Christ Jesus

I Really Thought I'd OUT GROW Crazy!  However, I never realized what a blessing CRAZY can be :)

(shared this with the Ann Voskamp One Thousand Gifts community)

Seriously... Hide the Fact that I'm Messed Up?

I've had more than a few people ask me recently if I want to be "so honest" in this blog.  And, when I really think about it, the answer is "Of course not!"  But, I've chosen to approach this blog (and a huge part of my life at this point) with openness and honesty.  I admit, there are still chapters in my life which I have not chosen to make public. Perhaps those chapters will be released at a later date :) I've make a huge effort to share only MY story - not that of others.  I believe that EVEN when someone else's story has a huge impact on your life, it's not your story to share.

I've been journaling off & on since I was a little girl.  When I was in 1st or 2nd grade, my parents bought me a little diary with a lock on the side.  I kept the diary under my pillow.  I kept the key on the stand beside my bed hidden under a doily my grandmother had made. And, I am not ashamed to tell you that I penned some powerful notes in the days of pig-tails & puppy dogs!  Many of them were about that cute neighbor boy who never seemed to notice me.  Some were about wishing my dad wasn't the preacher but, my friend's dad - a farmer with 3 horses, chickens, cows, goats, fields & woods. Some notes chronicled the amount of strawberries my best friend & I ate while sitting on the dirt in her father's strawberry field - the same field that grew cotton on other years. Other notes talked of wishing I had a Palomino pony who'd take me to school each morning instead of me having to walk or a little monkey who stayed in my room but went to the bathroom outside so my mom wouldn't be upset!

Some of my current entries have been pulled from diaries, journals, notes to dear friends, etc.  But, regardless of when or where they were written, I intend them to be open & honest as I share them.  I want them to communicate that my life looks perfect from some angles & looks like burning rubble from others. My life is no different than anyone else's life -- in the fact that what is seen on the outside doesn't always portray what is happening on the inside.

If you've read anything I've written, you can see that the ONE thing that makes sense of all my craziness... the up's & down's... the seen & unseen... is my relationship with God & my love for Him. I am not & have never been a "perfect Christian."  I've made the choice to wake up each morning & try to honor Him to the best of my abilities that day! If I leave nothing else in this world, I pray that I leave the HOPE for others to know that God makes the difference... only God...  no matter how messed up you are!

"For I can do everything through Christ, who gives me strength."

Philippians 4:13

All I Really Need Today...

I don't want to get dressed & go anywhere today. It looks like a snow globe out of my window! I want to stay inside all by myself. I want to settle down with a nice cup of hot cocoa & listen to music or watch a mindless romantic comedy by a roaring fireplace. And, I don't really feel like making dinner for anyone (including me!).

Sometimes the simple things feel like all we really need on a given day. Other days, the simple things don't feel like enough!

 
My proclamation for today & for every day is that... HE IS ALL I NEED! God said, "My gracious favor is all you need. My power works best in your weakness." Paul replied, "So now I am glad to boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may work through me." 2 Corinthians 12:19. I'm weak a lot -- especially in the winter months. I can take all the help I can get. Thanks God!

Paul also said in Philippians 4:19, "And this same God who takes care of me will supply all your needs from his glorious riches, which have been given to us in Christ Jesus."

Someone who can create a living snow globe outside of my window one day & paint a breath-taking sunset on another day, is there reminding me daily of all of his glorious riches & gifts to us. His glorious riches are abundant. All we need to do is open our eyes.

My words to God... "O Lord, let me echo YOUR Word in my heart. Let those words be played out in the story of my life!"

Some days I want to stay in but, I also know that I really need community. I know I need to be in communion with God & his bride (the church). Are you a part of a weekly worship gathering? I am. It's a commitment I've made regardless of how I actually "feel" on any given Sunday. I'm looking forward to this coming Sunday at Madison Park Church. 

What will God think? Will He find my worship sweet? As told in John 4:23-24, "if we worship Him in spirit & truth, we offer true worship - the kind for which He longs." And, I can tell you, in the winter months, if I'm going to be truthful with God, I'm going to have to admit to Him that I struggle with being out & about. But, my obedience is part of my worship. And, He always honors that.  

Worship is between YOU and God. No one can worship for you. No one else can show God what His worth to you is. But, we can't worship just on our own. God desires us to be in community... God has given us all we need and, often those needs are met through community with other children of God. 

But for the moment, I shall enjoy the quiet peaceful home... I shall sit by the fire... I shall trust in the protection of God's angels... I shall seek to know Him better in the quietness...

All of this... knowing that God will give me the nudge that I need on Sunday to meet in His house and on other days to do what He needs me to do out in His world.

And I will reflect, each day, upon the words of God shared by the Psalmist in Psalm 46:10, 
"Be still & know that I am God." 
In the winter months, I'm good at being still :)
 

(written 01/13/12)

Shared with the #1000Gifts Community with Ann Voskamp...