Should I Write for the Public? - #write31days 10-23-16

With the craziness in our lives lately, the quote below rings TRUE with me. I seem to be writing my own personal story lately. I feel as though I need to write for myself lately. I wonder if anyone else cares what I have to say. I wonder if someone will be encouraged by what I say. I wonder if someone will relate to what I say. And yet, a part of me doesn't really care that much about the "others". I feel the need to write for me.

"It is better to write for yourself and have no public
than to write for the public and have no self."
~ Cyril Connolly #quote

I began writing as a young child. I wrote only for myself - feeling that what I had to say was of no interest to anyone since it would not relate to anyone. I was also embarrassed of what I wrote and who I was. I was insecure and truly felt that I was not worthy of sharing my views & thoughts with others. As I matured, I began to think that perhaps there might be one other person in the world that might be a little like me. And, I began to feel as though I had to be open about my weaknesses and my battles & challenges. 

As a young adult, I grew in my relationship with Christ and asked God to use my words, thoughts, views, etc. I began to see that many others in the world felt insecure with who they were... with what their worth was. I was also convicted that the feelings of insecurity & self-loathing were a tool... and not a tool of the One I called my Lord & Savior. I felt isolated and helpless in my insecurities. This isolation made me feel powerless. And, I began to question whether others might be feeling isolated and powerless.

So, I began to share openly about what I was facing. I began to write about the things that blessed me and the things that pulled me down. I began to write notes to myself as a reminder in the years to come to not lose perspective of views I had when I was "younger". I began to expose things that I'd hidden for years.

The Connolly quote above reminds me of one of Shakespeare's most famous quotes:

"To thine own self be true."
~ William Shakespeare #quote

"To thine own self be true." ~ William Shakespeare

Should we really do ANYTHING for the public...or for the betterment of ourselves... first? 

5 Minute Free-For-All - Should I Write for the Public? - #write31days 10-23-16

DO NOT POST THIS

I need to vent... but, feel as though I can't really talk with anyone about exactly what I'm thinking. I feel like most people don't get me. I'm overwhelmed with what we are privately processing in our little family right now. I want prayers more than words from friends, peers and acquaintances. Encouraging quotes about change, doors opening, new adventures, etc. are great. But, there's always another eloquent quote that seems to give the opposite view. I believe so many of the encouraging quotes I see. As a matter of fact, I seem to be sharing them with myself & the stuckinindiana communities a LOT in this season.

For more years than I like to admit, I've battled

Creating an Emotional Connection

I began writing at a very young age - mostly in the form of journal entries or short stories. My writing was often based on an emotional experience or feeling. I've always been a very emotional person. I think that many people would see me as being too emotional. I wrote about my emotions for various reasons:
   * to analyze my feelings.
   * to document an event or happening in my life & the effect it had on me
   * to remember how the emotions felt & affected my actions
   * to learn from what I experienced

But, often I wrote about

F Words

I'm pretty sure this will be one of my shortest posts ever. Because... I'm writing this just because I cracked myself up a few minutes ago with the thought: 

"I need to make a list of "F" words."

For years, I've been wanting to share life & my story with more people than

HOPE, Shhhhh... Don't Tell God! 10-06-13

Are you completely honest with God? Seriously, are you?

Have you ever thought about something & then thought in your head, "Shhhhh... don't tell God!"  

I remember a time when I was afraid to verbalized my thoughts when I was talking to God. I tried to NEVER think or say or pray anything that I knew wasn't what a "good Christian" would think. I wanted to plan out my prayers - instead of just have a flowing conversation with God.

I was raised by parents whose faith was very real & very vocal. My father was a pastor. My mother was a missionary's kid (& a pastor's wife in her adult days). I thank God that they genuinely walked their talk. They weren't perfect but, there was never any doubt in my mind that their hearts belonged to the Lord.

Stop!
Don't go down
that path!

I learned the meanings of omnipotent, omnipresent & omniscient at an early age. Kids love to know BIG words :) And, regardless of my commitment to God at any time during my life, my belief that He was all powerful, all present & knew everything never wavered. I still managed to rationalize that I could though, in a way, fool God.  More than thinking I could fool Him, I think I felt that I couldn't be completely honest with God & be loved totally by Him if I were to verbalize all my feelings to him.

As I've grown in Him, I've come to believe that our questioning & processing is exactly how God created us to handle life's ups & downs. Often times we have to play out an action in our minds before pausing to say, "Stop! Don't go down that path!" God loves us enough to let us be a part of the process. He allows us to choose - even when He sees it might not be the best choice.

As I am open & honest with God, I find that I am more confident to trust Him in new situations. He's always there to help me as I choose which way to go.

His promises...

Your own ears will hear him. Right behind you a voice will say, “This is the way you should go,” whether to the right or to the left. Isaiah 30:21

Linking this month with The Nesting Place

 for the 31-day Challenge

My Darkest Days

My darkest days were those when I hid behind my shame.

I fled from community & into the arms of solitude.

I reasoned that I was alone in my struggle... that it was a struggle of the unworthy, of the weak, of the lost.

In those darkest of days I sought to be healed but, refused any human help!

I believed in God's power of healing but... I would only accept His complete healing... on my own terms.

He would have to heal me quietly -- without the knowledge or involvement of others.

They say that when something hurts you enough... that then, and only then, will you truly change.

When the struggle's worn you down for countless hours, weeks, months, years... how can strength to begin such a change be found? And, what's the source of that kind of strength?

The strongest chord of a strand is the deepest one. When all the others unravel, the strongest remains. The chord that ties us to the eternal. The chord that binds us to the source of of all strength.

Light began to dawn the moment I stepped out from behind my shame & said,

• "God, I will accept Your healing on Your terms."

• "I will allow others to see my wounds."

• "I will no longer define what is unworthy, weak, lost..."

• "I will trust in the chord at the center of my being that can never be severed by this world or the powers below."

I cling tenaciously and with complete hope & acceptance of this promise...

"And I am certain that God, who began the good work within you, will continue his work until it is finally finished on the day when Christ Jesus returns." 

Philippians 1:6

Seriously... Hide the Fact that I'm Messed Up?

I've had more than a few people ask me recently if I want to be "so honest" in this blog.  And, when I really think about it, the answer is "Of course not!"  But, I've chosen to approach this blog (and a huge part of my life at this point) with openness and honesty.  I admit, there are still chapters in my life which I have not chosen to make public. Perhaps those chapters will be released at a later date :) I've make a huge effort to share only MY story - not that of others.  I believe that EVEN when someone else's story has a huge impact on your life, it's not your story to share.

I've been journaling off & on since I was a little girl.  When I was in 1st or 2nd grade, my parents bought me a little diary with a lock on the side.  I kept the diary under my pillow.  I kept the key on the stand beside my bed hidden under a doily my grandmother had made. And, I am not ashamed to tell you that I penned some powerful notes in the days of pig-tails & puppy dogs!  Many of them were about that cute neighbor boy who never seemed to notice me.  Some were about wishing my dad wasn't the preacher but, my friend's dad - a farmer with 3 horses, chickens, cows, goats, fields & woods. Some notes chronicled the amount of strawberries my best friend & I ate while sitting on the dirt in her father's strawberry field - the same field that grew cotton on other years. Other notes talked of wishing I had a Palomino pony who'd take me to school each morning instead of me having to walk or a little monkey who stayed in my room but went to the bathroom outside so my mom wouldn't be upset!

Some of my current entries have been pulled from diaries, journals, notes to dear friends, etc.  But, regardless of when or where they were written, I intend them to be open & honest as I share them.  I want them to communicate that my life looks perfect from some angles & looks like burning rubble from others. My life is no different than anyone else's life -- in the fact that what is seen on the outside doesn't always portray what is happening on the inside.

If you've read anything I've written, you can see that the ONE thing that makes sense of all my craziness... the up's & down's... the seen & unseen... is my relationship with God & my love for Him. I am not & have never been a "perfect Christian."  I've made the choice to wake up each morning & try to honor Him to the best of my abilities that day! If I leave nothing else in this world, I pray that I leave the HOPE for others to know that God makes the difference... only God...  no matter how messed up you are!

"For I can do everything through Christ, who gives me strength."

Philippians 4:13