And I sat... and wept...

Today, I wept as I read words that "I" had written in an older post -- when I had opened my heart for all to see. That blog post exposes so much raw emotion within me. Will it touch someone else's soul?  Will the words I wrote open and begin to clean wounds in preparation for healing in another?  I don't know. I can only write from the heart. 

The intensity of emotion shook me... and, through the tears, I posted the following: 

"For those of you who write... or blog... are there things you've written that bring tears to your eyes? What joy to feel so deeply."  

Within moments one of my followers responded with:

"The blog I wrote last night brought tears to my eyes, but it wasn't joy."

My immediate response:

"I'll say this before i read your post... the fact that we can FEEL deeply... isn't that, in a way, JOY?"

With rain comes the rainbow.With tears come the promises.

It's said that one of the hardest things in life is "not knowing".  Well, I'd like to submit "not feeling" to the list.  There've been times in my life when I have not "felt" - insulating myself in a cocoon to protect me from the "real" of life. And, in those times, I've felt anything but alive. Feeling the pain allows me to know that I am alive - a living being, dealing with whatever life throws in my path. And, choosing JOY in those times makes all the difference.  Nothing will come my way that I cannot handle. But, I don't handle it on my own.  The only way that I'm able to handle anything is through my relationship with God, the Father; Jesus, His Son; and the Holy Spirit. I believe promises... and claim them... even when I don't feel it...

"The young women will dance for joy, and the men—old and young—will join in the celebration. I will turn their mourning into joy.

I will comfort them and exchange their sorrow for rejoicing." 

Jeremiah 31:3

There's so much pain in the story of the untimely death of Trayvon Martin.  There are so many unanswered questions.

How do we deal with it? 

We feel!

Please read the blog which was shared with me by Beyond Normal Limits - Raising Boys In A Dangerous World  She felt the pain & she responded.

Dear God,

Thank you for feeling -- both the good & the bad.

Let me continue to look for Your promises with expectation.

Awake my feelings.

Bring reassurance & joy in the midst of pain. 

"I have placed my rainbow in the clouds. It is the sign of my covenant with you and with all the earth." Genesis 9:13 NLT

Unfinished Business/Letting Go

From the very beginning, I've been drawn to water... to the sea... to a babbling brook in the Carolina mountains... to the Great Lakes...  

With family visits to the ocean or our dilapidated family cabin on a small Indiana lake or to the massive Great Lakes, my love for the water deepened.  In the waters I sat by, I sensed the awe-inspiring presence of the Creator of the Universe. In the early years I rode my father's shoulders down Sleeping Bear Dunes State Park wondering if there was an end to that huge Great Lake ahead of us. In elementary years I hiked along brooks & streams in the foothills of the Appalachian Mountains. I visited the Outer Banks of North Carolina only a few hours away from my mountain home - hearing the whale cry in the night hours as we camped on the beach & visiting lighthouses dreaming of pirates gold.

We were collectors in those days -- grabbing up bits of driftwood left behind, shells abandoned by sea creatures, broken shells, pieces of glass worn smooth by the ocean's tide.  Each trip resulted in a cache of treasure for my collection at home.  My mom's plant beds became the home of sand & shells that could no longer be held inside.  Large pieces of driftwood decorated our walkways and garden paths.  What I couldn't seem to part with though was the sea glass. It was my most treasured find when we visited the shore.  Small bottles of collected sea glass decorated my nightstand, window sills & shelves.  They spilled into the bathroom counters & window sills in the kitchen. 

My life has taken me away from the sea - to cornfields & cow pastures & the whistling of the wind in the old shag bark hickory tree outside my home. I miss the sea. I need the sea. And today, I walked beside the sea greeting the rising sun when a glimmer caught my eye. My heart leapt - filled with that joy I'd felt as a little girl when I spotted a piece of sea glass.   And seeing the reflection of that sea glass delivered by the tide brought me back to the complete joy of a 6 year old. I bent down & picked it up. I was holding a piece of the sea.

Turning it over & over in my hand, I noticed it was too smooth & shiny and that there were some sharp edges. Only a part of it had been polished by the sand & surf - but, not enough to make it "done". The thought of dropping it back into the sea made my hand grasp it more tightly. This was the only piece I'd found in my brief visit to the sea. And, this was my last day to walk the shore. Again, I looked at it, knowing that it was unfinished.  But, I just couldn't let go.  A third time, my mind cried out the truth - it would never be finished if I didn't let it go.  My hand opened & the glass washed back into the sea. It needed more abrasion from the sand & surf to soften the sharp edges - to frost the outer appearance - to allow it to become the best it could be. Only when I let go, did I feel peace.  Holding on to things (and people) too tightly and protecting them from the friction of sand & surf (life) - prevents them from being "finished".  Only in the letting go, can we allow God to finish & perfect. 

"Every valley shall be exalted and every mountain and hill brought low; The crooked places shall be made straight and the rough places made smooth... "  Isaiah 40:4

(written 16March2012)

Life in a Puddle

Today I am beyond... beyond, beyond.  It's one of those days where the struggle has devoured so much of my strength that I lie in a puddle at the feet of the One who created all life. The One who gives the strength we need for the day, a peace that passes all understanding & unconditional love beyond measure. I lie there lifeless & still with eyes wide opened awaiting the miracle. It's one of those days when I'm so worn out from the struggle that I just moan & let the Holy Spirit put words to my sounds for the Father - who hears all, knows all, understands all. Today I question the words I felt led to pray a few weeks ago on a very similar day. Yet, I mouth those words in obedience.

It's always perspective...
sometimes the smoke get in the way!

I blindly, yet boldly, claim the "miracle" to come of this rubble. It's more of an obedience to what I know & believe than a response to how I feel. Isn't that what we're asked to do as Christ followers? Haven't we seen it over & over again in the "rear view mirror" of our lives?  The burning rubble makes way for new growth.  The burning rubble warns others of what could be. The burning rubble creates a cloud blocking the light of the sun -- the light of the Son.  But, the Son is ever present amidst the burning rubble.

In expecting a miracle from this mess, there's a moment of peace from the struggle.  There's a soft breeze of fresh air. There's a flicker of hope. There's a hint of a better day to come. There's a reminder that all my planning, fretting, questioning -- will add nothing to what God is working on behind the scenes.

So, I lie here in a puddle at the feet of the One who wastes nothing of life's experiences but, makes all things new.  If you have to lie somewhere - in a puddle - I can't think of a better place.

"... the Holy Spirit helps us in our weakness. For example, we don't know what God wants us to pray for. But the Holy Spirit prays for us with groanings that cannot be expressed in words." Romans 8:26

Black Bean Combo & Being Complete

And, how would one segue from black beans to being complete in God...

I recently learned that one of my Facebook friends loves black beans -- just like me :) When I was a struggling single person living from check to check, I "invented" a favorite meal that costs pennies to make. I loved it & continued serving it beyond those single person days.  Over the years, the kids & I gave it a few names - Fiesta Meal, Black Bean Fiesta & the one that stuck, Black Bean Combo. It continues to be a family favorite. Here's the way I make it...

Black Bean Combo

BLACK BEAN COMBO

1. Prepare some rice (we use Basmati Rice most of the time but, saffron rice is yummy & Minute Rice works fine too).
2. Warm up a can of low sodium black beans (or make them the old fashioned way).
3. Cut up some fresh tomatoes (if you are desperate, open a can of cubed tomatoes)
4. Grate some cheese (any kind works; cheddar is our favorite)
5. When everything is done, the BEST way to serve it is in a clear, glass bowl... LAYERED...

I usually put the rice in first; then put the cheese ('cause it melts on the hot rice); then put the tomatoes (they're cold); then pour a couple of scoops of black beans & juice on top. It all melts together & is WONDERFUL!!!

Not everyone knows this but, when people eat rice & beans together, it combines in the body to make a complete protein Third world civilizations have lived on that "complete protein" for ages! Kinda cool how God made that happen :)  

If you know me, you know that almost everything reminds me of a lesson from God's Word. Since I'm FAR FROM perfect and incredibly flawed, one of my favorite scriptures is when Paul tells of Jesus speaking with him... 

"My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." and Paul responded, "Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me." 

2 Corinthians 12:9-10 

Black Bean Combo is similar to what is offered to us by God. Did you know that?!?!?! We thankfully give Him all the imperfections in us AND God's promise from Colossians 2:10a "... and we are complete through our union with Christ" is fulfilled in our lives! 

I'm giving thanks in ALL of what is happening around me... knowing that God will complete it!

Seriously... Hide the Fact that I'm Messed Up?

I've had more than a few people ask me recently if I want to be "so honest" in this blog.  And, when I really think about it, the answer is "Of course not!"  But, I've chosen to approach this blog (and a huge part of my life at this point) with openness and honesty.  I admit, there are still chapters in my life which I have not chosen to make public. Perhaps those chapters will be released at a later date :) I've make a huge effort to share only MY story - not that of others.  I believe that EVEN when someone else's story has a huge impact on your life, it's not your story to share.

I've been journaling off & on since I was a little girl.  When I was in 1st or 2nd grade, my parents bought me a little diary with a lock on the side.  I kept the diary under my pillow.  I kept the key on the stand beside my bed hidden under a doily my grandmother had made. And, I am not ashamed to tell you that I penned some powerful notes in the days of pig-tails & puppy dogs!  Many of them were about that cute neighbor boy who never seemed to notice me.  Some were about wishing my dad wasn't the preacher but, my friend's dad - a farmer with 3 horses, chickens, cows, goats, fields & woods. Some notes chronicled the amount of strawberries my best friend & I ate while sitting on the dirt in her father's strawberry field - the same field that grew cotton on other years. Other notes talked of wishing I had a Palomino pony who'd take me to school each morning instead of me having to walk or a little monkey who stayed in my room but went to the bathroom outside so my mom wouldn't be upset!

Some of my current entries have been pulled from diaries, journals, notes to dear friends, etc.  But, regardless of when or where they were written, I intend them to be open & honest as I share them.  I want them to communicate that my life looks perfect from some angles & looks like burning rubble from others. My life is no different than anyone else's life -- in the fact that what is seen on the outside doesn't always portray what is happening on the inside.

If you've read anything I've written, you can see that the ONE thing that makes sense of all my craziness... the up's & down's... the seen & unseen... is my relationship with God & my love for Him. I am not & have never been a "perfect Christian."  I've made the choice to wake up each morning & try to honor Him to the best of my abilities that day! If I leave nothing else in this world, I pray that I leave the HOPE for others to know that God makes the difference... only God...  no matter how messed up you are!

"For I can do everything through Christ, who gives me strength."

Philippians 4:13

I'm Going to Die Before I'm 35

Run to Him & know when you're
hiding from Him, He'll always
seek after you!

I'm going to die before I'm 35... I'm quite certain of it. I knew this from about the age of 12. Back in the days when I was gangly (not just skinny) -- resembling a rather unattractive 7 year old the height of a full grown adult! I always felt "a little less" than others around me. And, the ever-present silent thoughts occupied my mind: "You will only have to take this for less than 35 years. That's not TOO long. You can make it."

I took comfort in those thoughts wrapping them around me to insulate me from feeling, connection, pain, relationship.... life!

During my teens & early 20's I was in a constant battle with my thoughts, perceptions, self-image, etc. There were really only moments of rest from the thoughts that plagued my mind - those that brought me to the depths of despair one day & into a numbing sense of dullness on others. Thoughts that haunted me in the cold, dark hours of the night. Thoughts that whispered to me "No one will like you when they get to know you." I understood I'd never be loved by anyone who didn't HAVE to love me -- after all, I was ME! Thoughts and talk of suicide were probably a daily occurrence for more years than I want to remember. And the one thing that kept me from going through with it was that I felt I'd go to hell & then it would NEVER end, not even at 35! I would be in anguish forever!!

The dawn of my awakening came at the end of my sophomore year at Anderson University It occurred to me that quite a few of the people who "liked me" at the beginning of my freshman year still seemed to "like me" then. Imagine that?!? It was then I began to recognize some of the brokenness, in the lives of those around me & in some things that had happened to me as a child, as contributors to my initial feelings of unworthiness. So, I spent the next 5-6 years being incredibly angry with those people & the injustices I'd suffered. All the time I was taking comfort inside knowing that the hurt would all be over in a matter of years.

In my late-20's I coincidentally met & became friends with a Christian counselor, psychologist & author -- a pretty "cool" person, I thought. Over the course of a year, I began to see that although people & circumstances had affected my development, I had a choice to break free from those bonds. I'd been a Christian from an early age. I'd strayed away... and come back... and strayed away... and come back. But, I'd never actually believed that God could mend my brokenness from all those years ago. Putting the past behind me was scary. I was entering the unknown. And, we all know, there's no control in the unknown.

In the coming years, I thought less about what I knew: I was going to die before I turned 35. As I drew closer to the age of 35, the thought no longer brought comfort. I wondered, how will my passing affect my husband... my daughter... my son?  What brought me peace through the struggles of my youth & young adulthood now brought me a sense of sadness. 

Well, the 35th birthday has come & gone. I'm still here. I still have moments when I'm transported back to the gangly 12 year old girl who wasn't asked to the popular girl's slumber party... the 14 year old who locked herself in the bathroom threatening her parents that she'd end it all.. the 16 year old who was asked when she was going to start looking like a girl by the popular boy in the youth group. But, in those moments of remembering, I am reminded that there was plan in process for my life. A plan that was leading to a future & a hope.

"For I know the plans I have for you," says the LORD.

"They are plans for good and not for disaster,

to give you a future and a hope."

Jeremiah 29:11

I don't question the thoughts that played out in my mind all those years. I believe that God allowed me to find peace of mind in the only way I could experience it in those darkest of days. And in those dark days, He was doing a work in me to bring me closer to wholeness. There are still times when I struggle with depression - especially in the cold, bleak winter months. And, there've been several times in my life when peace came in the storm with some feeling of knowing the outcome. Quite often the storm passed and, the outcome of which I was certain never happened.

photo by T. Getz

I'm willing to allow Him to write my story - any way He chooses to write it. There will be more storms ahead to face. But, I take comfort knowing that I have a future and a hope.

I Thought Only Catholics Did That?

Letting someone put ASHES on my forehead?  Seriously?  I thought only Catholics did that?  And, I'm not a Catholic... I'm a Christian. 

Well now...  that's how I looked at it when I was a very young child... until my father, a Protestant minister & lover of Christ and humanity, actually heard me speak the words, "I'm not a Catholic... I'm a Christian."  He quickly made it very clear that the name I had claimed at a very young age, that of "Christian", was not a name of exclusion of believers in Christ, but a name of inclusion for all those who believed in Jesus as Lord & Savior. I'm so glad my dad helped me to see that at a young age - just one of the ways that man blessed my life!  

Today is Ash Wednesday and, as Kimberly Majeski states in her blog post, Ash Wednesday, "This is the day when believers across the globe gather to receive ashes on their foreheads to remind us that we are all dust." 

We have all heard the saying, "Ashes to ashes; dust to dust."  We come from dust; we return to dust.  The term 'Ashes to ashes' comes from the Anglican Burial Service. A portion of that service being taken from the text:

By the sweat of your brow will you have food to eat until you return to the ground from which you were made. For you were made from dust, and to dust you will return."  Genesis 3:19

So today, I acknowledge that...

I am made of dust...

YET, part of a glorious eternal plan!

 

Wasting Precious Time

Tick Tock! Tick Tock!

There aren't enough minutes in the day. Do you ever feel this way? Are there things that you are convicted to do on any given day that don't happen? 

I struggled with those regretful feelings for years & years. I still have to remind myself that God doesn't intend my sincere service to Him to be a struggle. 

When walking early in the morning a few years ago, I was talking to God about not having enough time. I "heard" a voice in my heart say, "You have just as many minutes in your day as everyone else on the planet. I've given you enough time to do what I need you to do TODAY!" Since that time I've tried not to rake myself over the coals for what might have felt like missed opportunities AND to trust that God's timing will cover my service for Him.

Even for those who don't claim Christ as their Lord, I think this is a great thought:  

"Can all your worries add a single moment to your life? And, if worry can't accomplish a little thing like that, what's the use of worrying over bigger things?"

Luke 12:25-26 

Don't waste precious time second guessing things that are in the past OR how God will use what you offer up to Him in the moment of genuine love & service!

Linking with Ann Voskamp - A Holy Experience today... 

Winter Blues? Watch GULP

I tweet...  for Women's Ministries at Madison Park Church under the name of @MadisonPkWomen  Have you noticed, as I have, that SO much of the news today is discouraging.  I purposefully searched for a positive site for encouraging, uplifting news.  I just started following @TheGoodReport  I've not been disappointed at all.  

Since I struggle with seasonal depression, the title to their link caught my eye.  Life is a matter of perspective.  Sometimes the things that seem the most frightening and overwhelming open doors for wonderful things to happen!  


Take a look at...

Winter Blues? Watch GULP. Stop Motion Brilliance Filmed On A Beach


This year I began doing Ann Voskamp's 1000 Gifts Joy Dare.  In "naming" and listing three simple things that bring me joy each day, I'm reminded of all the GIFTS out there ready to be had -- if we will just open our eyes.  Finding joy in the simplest things can make all the difference.

Winter makes me feel tired & weak. But, I chose to be strong! As it states in Nehemiah 8:10: "And he continued, 'Go and celebrate... and share gifts... This is a sacred day before our Lord. Don't be dejected and sad, for the joy of the LORD is your strength!'" 

Strength in Joy

Start listing 3 things which bring you JOY each day.  One of mine today just might be peanut butter toast & a glass of cold milk.  Get stronger... when you name things which bring you joy!

One Thousand Gifts #1000Gifts #JoyDare Monthly Links

PLEASE ACCEPT MY APOLOGIES...
but, I decided to break this post into months!

One Thousand Gifts (by Ann Voskamp)

#1000Gifts #JoyDare

Buy book here...      

Buy Kindle edition here...

I've taken the 1,000 Gifts Dare for 2012... click on the name of each month below to see the MANY ways God has blessed me daily...

January 2012... I find joy

February 2012... I find joy

March 2012... I find joy

April 2012... I find joy

May 2012... I find joy

June 2012... I find joy

July 2012... I find joy

August 2012... I find joy

September 2012... I find joy

October 2012... I find joy

November 2012... I find joy

December 2012... I find joy


EVERY DAY... I FIND JOY!
And... the JOY of the LORD is my strength.
Nehemiah 8:10