Painfully Insecure, Yet Full of Pride?

From my youngest days I remember being painfully insecure. As a young child I was just plain scrawny. I remember hearing my mom tell stories to guests at our house in Michigan (when I was 2-5 yrs old) about what a "colicky baby" I was. As I matured through childhood and into my teens, I grew taller but remained really thin - perhaps too thin! I remember kids making fun of how bony I was.

Well, those days have passed & no one seems to think I'm "too skinny" anymore. But, I never got over the feeling that physically I've never quite been quite up to par. Even into my early 20's, I felt like I needed to earn the acceptance of others. I was embarrassed about my appearance. I didn't feel smart enough. I didn't feel like I was particularly funny or talented in any way. I never felt like the popular kid in school. Growing up I was the "preacher's kid" in a small town &; not a safe friend to share secrets with or invite to the parties. For several years after high school, I wrote my own story in an attempt to be accepted & be a cool kid. Thankfully God's grace covered me during that time! Regardless of the number of friends I made & kept over the years though, I still felt like at any given moment they would figure out how "non-special" I was and just find a better friend.

By the grace of God & thanks to a wonderful Christian counselor, I processed many things in my late 20's and honestly began to claim the promises from God that are available to ALL of His children -- even the odd, skinny, untalented ones who were horrible colicky babies :) I stopped blaming past experiences for the way I was turning out. I began learning from experiences and moving on in a more positive direction.

Why then are there still pangs of hurt when I don't feel like the "cool kid" in my circle of peers? Is it something I've done? Are there just lots of qualities about me that people don't like? Am I not a good enough friend to keep for any length of time? Perhaps there's an expiration date on me as a friend - kind of like the expiration date on a carton of milk. When my mind goes to those types of thoughts and I question myself, I can't help but feel that some sense of self-pride must be at the root of it. But, how can I be so painfully insecure, yet so full of pride? Why can't I just concentrate on being what God wants me to be each day -- moment to moment without trying to figure out why I can't be the "cool kid"?

Intellectually & spiritually I understand that it's not about ME. But "ME" doesn't understand why I have to feel that way when at the same time I'm feeling that I'm following God's plan for my life. My life's focus shouldn't be on ME but on God. And, my heart wants my life to be about God. I'm never more at peace than when I know I am walking in accordance to His will. In Him I am complete!!

But, why does it still hurt? I don't really have the answer. So, in times of uncertainty & pain, I just trust that there's a higher purpose in it all. I take a leap of faith & claim that God is working in & through every situation as long as I'm trusting in & serving Him. I strive to serve Him, recognizing that every good gift is from Him as stated in James 1:17. I trust Him knowing that He loves & cherishes each of His children as promised in Jeremiah 31:3. 

It's on the hardest days that I find joy in the scriptures that reminds me of how short our time here on earth really is when compared to eternity. James 4:14 says: "How do you know what your life will be like tomorrow? Your life is like the morning fog—it's here a little while, then it's gone." I continue to take it moment by moment making every effort to be a reflection of Christ and do my little part to lift Him up before those around me. I claim promises like the one spoken by Christ in John 12:32: "And I, if I be lifted up from the earth, will draw all unto me."

For me, it's a daily commitment. It's a moment by moment promise. I will continue to search for and claim promises found in God's Word. I'll continue to take it one step at a time while my spirit hollers "Heaven, hurry up!"

"But you belong to God, my dear children. You have already won a victory over those people, because the Spirit who lives in you is greater than the spirit who lives in the world." 1 John 4:4

A NOTE ABOUT ME: If I had to choose ONE thing over anything as being of most importance to me, it would be my relationship with God (the Father, the Son & the Holy Spirit). That relationship is the basis of all my decisions, my dreams, my plans, my actions, etc. My relationship with God as His child is what guides me in my choices for all aspects of my life. It truly is what I hold most dear. With that said... PAINFULLY INSECURE, YET FULL OF PRIDE?

Linking with Ann Voskamp - A Holy Experience today...