For more years than I like to admit, I've battled
anxiety & depression. I've tried to explain it to family & friends as not the "I'm unhappy & wanna die" depressed. It's more like the "I feel overwhelmed & want to sleep" depression. After moving from southeast Florida to the land of "stuckinindiana" almost 27 years ago, I was diagnosed with SAD. And, I have noticed that the more outside time I get, the better I feel. (SIDE NOTE: Anyone who wants/needs more outside time needs to be a backyard chicken person!! This past year has resulted in a LOT of outside hours with them and so much more positive energy in my life!)
In my younger days, I was a big time worrier. I've evolved to be a "let's imagine all the what if's and then just take them one day at a time IF THEY HAPPEN" person. Probably more than 99% of all the bad/hard/sad things that could possibly happen in any given situation... won't. I process a LOT. I think things through in great detail. Yet, at the end of the day, I seem to be able to put those down & trust that I will have the strength and wisdom to handle what actually happens in the coming day. And, I haven't had a sleepless night in years due to worrying. Thanks God!!
Since I am never posting this (note the title), I can write exactly what I am experiencing and thinking. I've grown very comfortable in our home of the last 6 years and our community for the past 26+ years. The following things have grown so dear to my heart:
- the family values and strong work ethic that are so clearly demonstrated in this area
- country roads to walk on - along open fields, brooks, cow pastures, 150 year old family farms, etc.
- the sounds, smells and sights of agriculture (sewing seeds, tending to crops, harvesting, prepping the land, etc.) thanks to one of America's greatest groups of people - THE FARMERS
- 3.5 acres where I can actually work in my yard without being seen by the next door neighbors peering out their windows or driving their cars into their driveways - feet away
- far enough from the city that stars shine brighter, birds sing louder, air smells fresher
- close enough to the city for church, groceries, friends, chicken feed, etc.
- the monastery across the street which reminds me a little of the country church that my dad pastored when I was 5
- not being able to see any close houses or farms from most of our property
- being able to hear any cars that get close to us well before they get here
- and... the list goes on
Thank goodness that I get the whole child-like faith thing. I've lived a life with such an acute sense of insecurity & inferiority for so many years that I truly feel I can do nothing without the strength of Christ in me. I'm being completely honest when I say that, for me, the bottom line is feeling as though we are doing God's will. During this time, I've wanted...
- a burning bush
- writing on the wall
- complete peace
- clear confirmation with no uncertainty
- TOO MUCH
Regardless of what happens in the coming months... in the coming years... in the coming decades... part of my heart will always and happily... be stuckinindiana!!