DO NOT POST THIS

I need to vent... but, feel as though I can't really talk with anyone about exactly what I'm thinking. I feel like most people don't get me. I'm overwhelmed with what we are privately processing in our little family right now. I want prayers more than words from friends, peers and acquaintances. Encouraging quotes about change, doors opening, new adventures, etc. are great. But, there's always another eloquent quote that seems to give the opposite view. I believe so many of the encouraging quotes I see. As a matter of fact, I seem to be sharing them with myself & the stuckinindiana communities a LOT in this season.

For more years than I like to admit, I've battled
anxiety & depression. I've tried to explain it to family & friends as not the "I'm unhappy & wanna die" depressed. It's more like the "I feel overwhelmed & want to sleep" depression. After moving from southeast Florida to the land of "stuckinindiana" almost 27 years ago, I was diagnosed with SAD. And, I have noticed that the more outside time I get, the better I feel. (SIDE NOTE: Anyone who wants/needs more outside time needs to be a backyard chicken person!! This past year has resulted in a LOT of outside hours with them and so much more positive energy in my life!)

In my younger days, I was a big time worrier. I've evolved to be a "let's imagine all the what if's and then just take them one day at a time IF THEY HAPPEN" person. Probably more than 99% of all the bad/hard/sad things that could possibly happen in any given situation... won't. I process a LOT. I think things through in great detail. Yet, at the end of the day, I seem to be able to put those down & trust that I will have the strength and wisdom to handle what actually happens in the coming day. And, I haven't had a sleepless night in years due to worrying. Thanks God!!

Since I am never posting this (note the title), I can write exactly what I am experiencing and thinking. I've grown very comfortable in our home of the last 6 years and our community for the past 26+ years. The following things have grown so dear to my heart:

• the family values and strong work ethic that are so clearly demonstrated in this area
• country roads to walk on - along open fields, brooks, cow pastures, 150 year old family farms, etc.
• the sounds, smells and sights of agriculture (sewing seeds, tending to crops, harvesting, prepping the land, etc.) thanks to one of America's greatest groups of people - THE FARMERS
• 3.5 acres where I can actually work in my yard without being seen by the next door neighbors peering out their windows or driving their cars into their driveways - feet away
• far enough from the city that stars shine brighter, birds sing louder, air smells fresher
• close enough to the city for church, groceries, friends, chicken feed, etc.
• the monastery across the street which reminds me a little of the country church that my dad pastored when I was 5
• not being able to see any close houses or farms from most of our property
• being able to hear any cars that get close to us well before they get here
• and... the list goes on

I can TOTALLY see myself living in the new place. It's beautiful. The people are gracious. True friends are close by. We feel drawn to the new opportunity. But, both of us TOTALLY CAN NOT see leaving this place. How does that happen?

Thank goodness that I get the whole child-like faith thing. I've lived a life with such an acute sense of insecurity & inferiority for so many years that I truly feel I can do nothing without the strength of Christ in me. I'm being completely honest when I say that, for me, the bottom line is feeling as though we are doing God's will. During this time, I've wanted...

• a burning bush
• writing on the wall
• complete peace
• clear confirmation with no uncertainty
• TOO MUCH

There's so much more to all of this time in our lives -- "will we move away from the deeply loved land of stuckinindiana". I could sit and write for hours about it. But today, I will get out of bed, get dressed, go outside with the hens and leave it here... 

Regardless of what happens in the coming months... in the coming years... in the coming decades... part of my heart will always and happily... be stuckinindiana!!