I spent a big part of my life wanting to be free of bonds which "tied" me to anyone or anything. I managed to convince myself that I was only safe when on my own. I had come to believe that once another knew the real me that I would not be loved or respected. I sabotaged relationships that seemed to be getting inside my head and heart. I'd convinced myself that no relationship was lasting
and without ties that would bind me I could never feel free - that I would not flourish... that I would wither and die. That I could never belong to anyone or anything other than myself.
Over years of struggling with self-esteem, I'd become certain that nothing could bind me to another -- that I was separate and could never have a sense of belonging. My life was lived as an island - separated from any real commitment to friends, family & community. I believed that the part I played in the world was best served on the island in my mind.
I constructed my world... or so I thought I did. It took a lot of years and a lot of friendships and relationships to put aside my insecurities and begin to take part in the lives of those around me. I learned that the bonds to other people do not have to bind me tightly or restrictively. I began to take comfort in the bonds holding me gently to what mattered most -- to who mattered -- to those who were interested in the good of the world and not just looking after number one.
I was fooling myself when I thought I had constructed my world apart from that of others. I was fooling myself in believing that I could never belong to that bigger community. I was worthy of belonging. I was put here to interact -- not to be an island.